The All-Ugly Baseball Team

We weren’t all born as beautiful as Gabe Kapler. But we were born better looking than the ugly ones, so we can get a little happiness from the downward social comparison that is picking the All Ugly Team.

Also, let’s be clear. Your faithful correspondent is placing himself as the bench coach of this team. Ugly enough to belong, but not ugly enough to lead the team. Plus, we know that God Loves Ugly, so there’s that. And! I’ve never played a second of organized ball for a dime, so they have all got something on me, and most of you I presume.

But we can still have a little fun with this, can’t we?

Patron Saint — Don Mossi

Don Mossi won 101 games and saved 50 so he doesn’t care what you think.

Manager — Ron Washington

Grandpa looks kinda surly even when he’s happy, doesn’t he.

Bench Coach — Eno Sarris

Whoah, buddy.

Hitting Coach — Jeff Blauser

This picture does not do him justice.

Pitching Coach — Randy Johnson

Perhaps the godfather of this entire venture, The Big Unit provides a road map for less-than-beautiful aces to inspire fear.

Bullpen Coach — Julian Tavarez

Was this before or after that big fight he had. With the ugly stick. That he lost.

First Base Coach — Otis Nixon

This picture means something. This picture means that Otis Nixon was born this way, he didn’t have this beaten into him by age or extracurricular activities.

Ace — Alexi Ogando

Actually, Ogando sorta looks like royalty… or royalty’s red-headed stepchild. Also, he’s tweeting mmplops right now. (Or maybe a less pretty Bernie Williams?)

#2 — Edinson Volquez

Dreads are sweet. Hats are sweet. Dreads in hats are not so sweet.

#3 — A.J. Burnett

AJ Burnett looks like a bird took a dump on Randy Johnson.

#4 — John Lackey

Yeah, I’m pretty sure this guy gave me my coffee this morning at Dunkin.

#5 — Bartolo Colon

This is not just about girth, I promise you.

Closer — Matt Capps

I have a disappearing chin problem too. It gives me no pleasure to report on this.

Reliever — David Weathers

David Weathers could have begat Matt Capps.

Swingman — Vicente Padilla

Google Nien Nunb from Star Wars. No? Okay, I’m a dick.

That’s the coaching staff and the pitching staff. Next week we’ll hit up the position players. They are surprisingly better looking.



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Graphs: Baseball, Roto, Beer, brats (OK, no graphs for that...yet), repeat. Follow him on Twitter @enosarris.


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Julian
Guest

No Freddie Freeman?

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Matt Defalco
Guest
Matt Defalco

“Next week we’ll hit up the position players. They are surprisingly better looking”

Julian
Guest

I’m so stupid.

Lisa W
Guest
Lisa W

Alexi Ogando is a dead ringer for an Easter Island moai.

ttt
Guest
ttt

No Rich Garces? EL GUAPO LIVES!

Jonathan C. Mitchell
Member

Seriously, where is Willie McGee?

William
Guest

Hahaha! I loved this. My wife calls Bartolo Colon, “Shrek.” It fits perfectly.

Ryan Hoffman
Guest

Aaron Harang must have paid you 8 bucks to keep him off this list.

scout1222
Guest
scout1222

Aaron Harang is the absolute first person who came to mind.

Bobby Russon
Guest
Bobby Russon

you have absolutely no business not including Joaquin Benoit!!

Andy
Guest
Andy

I’m definitely surprised Zane Smith didn’t make the cut.

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Nate Ader
Member

Wow. Ya, Zane Smith needs to be Assistant Pitching Coach or something.

The Rajah
Guest
The Rajah

Assistant pitching coach? Hell, he could be the whole rotation all by himself!

Daniel
Member
Daniel

How is Gabe Kapler not better at baseball?

Brandon Warne
Guest

Needs more Ezequiel Astacio.

Nate Ader
Member

Erick Aybar better be starting shortshop. Dude looks like MJ in Thriller, every day.

oldjacket
Member
oldjacket
Resolution
Guest
Resolution

a million times Jeff Karstens

Dude
Guest
Dude

Eno – I hope you were coming back from the shooting range or something, because those glasses are horrible.

Telo
Guest
Telo

“Google Nien Nunb from Star Wars. No? Okay, I’m a dick.”

Hahahahahahhhhahaha. Yes. (Clearly I did not need to google it.)

Bobby A.
Member

C’mon, there must be a place on the coaching staff for Willie McGee.

steex
Member
steex

I can’t believe NG’s previous feature on Ray King didn’t garner him a spot somewhere on this roster! Team Chef, perhaps?

http://www.fangraphs.com/not/index.php/pictures-of-ray-king/

Dan Greer
Guest
Dan Greer

Travis Hafner for DH.
Yadier Molina (Banjo playing kid from Deliverance) at C.
Karstens is a no-brainer, and agreed on Harang.

Unfortunately pre-braces Deivi Cruz is no longer playing, or he’d be a prime contender for SS/UT. Worst teeth in recent ML history.

DD
Guest
DD

How about Derrick Turnbow?

Vin
Guest
Vin

So many ugly players, so few spots.

The Weaver brothers (Jeff and Jered) are good candidates.
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RR
Guest
RR

Ronald Belisario is a much better Nien Nunb than Padilla.

Ramon Troncoso is also quite ugly.

bowie
Guest
bowie

Jay Gibbons
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Anon
Guest
Anon

Ah, yes. The Horseface Killah.

manbearpig
Member
manbearpig

Hey you guys! You forgot Tom Gorzelanny!
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Anal Horsehammer
Guest
Anal Horsehammer

RON KARKOVICE

comment image&w=368&h=500&ei=CJeYTofjDOSEsAKR0djgBA&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=391&vpy=346&dur=1073&hovh=262&hovw=193&tx=102&ty=143&sig=110945610010988689221&page=7&tbnh=143&tbnw=105&start=156&ndsp=26&ved=1t:429,r:10,s:156

Mac
Guest
Mac

Johnny Dickshot

The ugliest name in baseball came attached to an ugly face. Though he obviously lost out to Mossi, Dickshot ran a fairly successful campaign for patron saint of this team. He was well known for referring to himself as the ugliest man in baseball.

http://www.baseball-reference.com/bullpen/Johnny_Dickshot

I just have to say it again. His name is Dickshot.

Bad Bill
Guest
Bad Bill

Can we reserve room in the bullpen for the pitcher with the ugliest glasses? Today’s incumbent is Tyler Clippard, although Jason Motte, Ben Weber and Brendan Donnelly have held the title at various times. Think of that as the Ryne Duren bullpen role, with the added parallel that certain of those guys have also had big heaters with control problems from time to time.

Jose
Guest
Jose

Alcides Escobar

Bill
Guest
Bill

Jose Mesa tops my list. I get him and the Ugly in “The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly”, mixed up in my brain when I try to picture them. Dude could stop a train.

Freddy T
Guest
Freddy T

Please take time to consider Jorge Cantu when you do the position players. It looks like someone set his face on fire and then tried to put it out with a track shoe.

handsomeolderblackladbrad1953
Guest
handsomeolderblackladbrad1953

I’d be in the “handsome” column,but I’m not an MLBer.(Though my cousin,Hall-Of-Fame RHP Ferguson Jenkins,SURELY WAS ONE!!!!!!!)

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