We weren’t all born as beautiful as Gabe Kapler. But we were born better looking than the ugly ones, so we can get a little happiness from the downward social comparison that is picking the All Ugly Team.
Also, let’s be clear. Your faithful correspondent is placing himself as the bench coach of this team. Ugly enough to belong, but not ugly enough to lead the team. Plus, we know that God Loves Ugly, so there’s that. And! I’ve never played a second of organized ball for a dime, so they have all got something on me, and most of you I presume.
But we can still have a little fun with this, can’t we?
Patron Saint — Don Mossi
Don Mossi won 101 games and saved 50 so he doesn’t care what you think.
Manager — Ron Washington
Grandpa looks kinda surly even when he’s happy, doesn’t he.
Hitting Coach — Jeff Blauser
This picture does not do him justice.
Pitching Coach — Randy Johnson
Perhaps the godfather of this entire venture, The Big Unit provides a road map for less-than-beautiful aces to inspire fear.
Bullpen Coach — Julian Tavarez
Was this before or after that big fight he had. With the ugly stick. That he lost.
First Base Coach — Otis Nixon
This picture means something. This picture means that Otis Nixon was born this way, he didn’t have this beaten into him by age or extracurricular activities.
#2 — Edinson Volquez
Dreads are sweet. Hats are sweet. Dreads in hats are not so sweet.
#3 — A.J. Burnett
AJ Burnett looks like a bird took a dump on Randy Johnson.
#4 — John Lackey
Yeah, I’m pretty sure this guy gave me my coffee this morning at Dunkin.
#5 — Bartolo Colon
This is not just about girth, I promise you.
Closer — Matt Capps
I have a disappearing chin problem too. It gives me no pleasure to report on this.
Reliever — David Weathers
David Weathers could have begat Matt Capps.
That’s the coaching staff and the pitching staff. Next week we’ll hit up the position players. They are surprisingly better looking.