The Author’s Personal Hall of Fame Ballot

Ballot

Owing to the generosity and/or oversight of the BBWAA, the present author — provided he doesn’t make a mess of everything, like his family’s always saying he makes a mess of everything — might very well have a vote for the Baseball Hall of Fame 10 years thence. It will be a privilege, at that time, to have the opportunity not only to (a) help decide which players receive one of the game’s great honors, but also (b) receive pointed threats from every corner of the internet while so doing.

In the meantime, I’d like to share my ballot for a Hall of Fame by which I’ve already been granted voting privileges — namely, my own Personal Hall of Fame.

Here are my votes this year for same, with a focus on ages 7-11:

Sears Wish Book
Provided very strong reading material while staying at my grandparents’ house. Long length. Lots of beds shaped like cars, if I remember correctly.

Junior Mints
Candy of choice when rewarded for behaving myself while grocery shopping with mother at a Concord-area DeMoulas.

My Dog, Cricket
Got from local SPCA shortly after my parents divorced. Very loving, if largely incontinent. Died on Valentine’s Day in 1994. RIP Cricket.

British Knights
Strong shoe. Mother’s boyfriend Kenny bought me a pair in, like, 1989. Woke up no fewer than three times during night just to look at them.

NHL 91 for Sega Genesis
Played season after season, recording stats by hand. Pavel Bure in your face, unwitting Sega Genesis AI.

Image stolen without conscience from flickr user onlynina.




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Carson Cistulli has just published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.


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Josh A
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Josh A
3 years 6 months ago

I have it under good authority that Cricket was a huge dick.

MikeS
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MikeS
3 years 6 months ago

Not possible. He was a dog.

James
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James
3 years 6 months ago

I left my ballot blank because I couldn’t figure out how to make meaning of the complicated James Life Era.

steex
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steex
3 years 6 months ago

Understandable, it’s hard to make sense of those sociology guys. Thankfully, he’s now playing basketball in the UK, so his era of rule in the USA is fading into the past.

Stone man
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Stone man
3 years 6 months ago

British Knights! Lol. Kick the tongues way up high.

The Return of RamboDiaz
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The Return of RamboDiaz
3 years 6 months ago

Inserting Dick Allen’s Name into Blog Posts of Cistulli

Dick Allen
Got from local SPCA shortly after my parents divorced. Very loving, if largely incontinent. Died on Valentine’s Day in 1994. RIP Dick Allen.

Kurt von H
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Kurt von H
3 years 6 months ago

I sleep in a racing car bed. Do you?

intro psych student
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intro psych student
3 years 6 months ago

I’m 3, almost 4, full classes into Intro Psych and I can already tell that “Mother’s boyfriend Kenny” give us a limitless window into your persona.

First, “Mother’s”. This is a signaler to the reader that you’re from a high socioeconomic status. However, it’s really affected WASPiness and tells us that while you’ve grown up around children of money and privilege, you’re not quite like them (your last name, sadly, ends in a non-y vowel). Needless to say, you relish superficial satirization of that lifestyle/mindset, but this is likely a mechanism you use which belies your true feelings towards it.

Second, “‘s boyfriend”. Child of divorce. Big personality determinant…self-explanatory.

Third, “Kenny”. I challenge the reader to think of a non plebian “Kenny” from history. You’re judging your mother for dating beneath her. Oh, maybe Kenny did well for himself–brought himself up from nothing to a respectable middle class lifestyle, but you haven’t processed that accomplishment. The stench of the lower middle class was always on him. This is confirmed by your surprise in finding him capable of picking out a decent shoe.

Resolution
Guest
Resolution
3 years 6 months ago

Nah man, each one of the things mentioned just played an important part in fulfilling each tier of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Cistulli was a very self-actualized 7-11 year old.

Sissy
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Sissy
3 years 6 months ago

Cricket was a lady dog, there was no “he” about her! and she went on everything for realsies.

existing
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existing
3 years 6 months ago

Pavel Bure in your face!!!!

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