The Avengers In Baseball

It was inevitable.

[Nerd disclaimer: yes, the 2012 movie Avengers, I love comics as well, but this is a topical post and getting into complicated world of gray Hulk or whatever, is too much for me right now. I did spend 15 hours watching Avengers movies yesterday.]

Alex Rodriguez IS Iron Man.

Listen, it hurts me too, but no one fits the description “millionaire playboy narcissist” like A-Rod does. Does he have the charm of Robert Downey Jr.’s Tony Stark? Maybe not. Does he have the ridiculous amount of money, the ego, the ladies, and the genius for baseball heroics? Yes. Also, steroids = the suit, obviously.

Miguel Cabrera IS The Hulk.

Mysterious and powerful anger beneath a thin veneer of togetherness? Yeah, it’s Miguel Cabrerahulk. I’m not making light: The Hulk story is a genuinely sad one about someone who is strong, but incapable of keeping it together and not hurting everything he tries to love. It’s never been a fun story, but I will always root for him to learn to channel the strength and resentment and fear he has into something positive.

Albert Pujols IS Thor

“Whosoever holds of this hammer, if you be worthy, you posses the power of Thor.” A god has fallen to earth and he has something to prove in this new land before he can wield the power he once did. Sound familiar?

Dustin Pedroia IS Captain America

A scrappy little guy with a heart of gold, unselfish to the point of antiquation, bustin’ up bullies and putting on a show for the people? It’s LASER SHOW! Let me just say that out of all of these casting decisions, a Pedroia as Captain movie is the one I would be waiting in line to see first.

Roy Halladay IS Black Widow

Oh, you were unintimidated by his quiet and unassuming nice guy demeanor? You didn’t notice you were getting played this whole time? Well, I’m sorry, but you just got yourself k’d. That’s k for killed.

Cliff Lee IS Hawkeye

His legendary aim is aimed straight for the target on your forehead, evil. He and Black Widow work as a team, wiping out hundreds of powerful beings — without any of those special powers or suits or drugs that the other guys use. Just straight talent and self-control. Boom.

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Summer Anne Burton is a writer and illustrator living in Austin, Texas. She is drawing pictures of Every Hall of Famer.

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“Mysterious and powerful anger beneath a thin veneer of togetherness?”

I was gonna go with Joe West…

So does that make Bud Selig Loki?