The Burning Questions of Ruben Amaro


Phillies General Manager Ruben Amaro Jr. doesn’t know the difference between at bats and plate appearances, and how to calculate batting average, according to a recent broadcast, in which he was unable to comprehend how Jimmy Rollins and Mike Schmidt have almost the same batting average when they have the same number of hits, but Schmidt has so many more PAs. The audio, from Crossing Broad, is below:

Here is a list of other questions Ruben Amaro has, the answers to which he should probably already know, given his job:

1)      You’ve heard guys who bat or throw with their left hands are sinister agents of the Prince of Lies, right?

2)      It says here that “Ryan Howard has hit .206/.268/.413 vs lefty pitchers this year, even worse than his career .223/.299/.427 marks.” What does that mean?

3)      No, I’m serious. Can you teach me how to diagram out that last sentence?

4)      So you’re telling me that Ben Revere and Tony Gwynn Jr. are two different people?

5)      How come I could never get my pants on without help when I was playing?

6)      Hey Chase, which end of the bat do you hold?

7)      Cassie, I did it again. Can you remind me how to take his phone off of speaker without hanging up first?

8)      Guys, Peg + Cat is done, and I want to watch some tape. Which of the remotes in the video room changes the channel?

9)      The Phanatic’s routine is actually a carefully choreographed parody of me, isn’t it?

10)   How come Roy Halladay hasn’t pitched yet this year, Ryno?

11)   What the hell is a “spreadsheet?”

Take these slowly and in order. Don’t blow his mind all at once.

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Mike Bates used to have a stupid pseudonym. Now he doesn't because people want to pay him to write about baseball on the Internet and he's really a sell out that way. He is also a Designated Columnist at SBNation, co-founder of The Platoon Advantage, and is an American Carpetbagger on Getting Blanked, the finest in Canadian baseball-type sites. His favorite word is paradigm. Follow him on Twitter here:

11 Responses to “The Burning Questions of Ruben Amaro”

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  1. BigBucksBonilla says:

    Listening to the audio. So worth it.

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  2. Mr. Observant says:

    His REAL burning question is likely, “why, when I pee-pee, does it feel like a flaming ninja star is shooting out of my pee-pee tube?”

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  3. Every time Amaro signs a veteran, he hangs up the phone and sings the “problem solved” song.

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  4. Shrewd Cat says:

    Normally you’d give the benefit of the doubt that they do understand the concept, but then again it is Ruben Amaro Jr.

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  5. J-Lo(ria) says:

    It’s okay Ruben. You just keep on doing what you’re best at. Serving as another target for fan opprobrium and artificially weakening the division so my team can win and become popular despite my best efforts to screw everyone out of their last dollar on earth.

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  6. stockhfcrx says:

    I struggle with #7 as well.

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    • tz says:

      Ditto. And I’m also notorious for setting my cell phone to speaker mode when I keep it in my jeans pocket and then bend over for something.

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