The Cruelest Cuts of All: A Carson Cistulli Story

This is fun: Last Monday, in the seventh inning of a Spring Training game against the Reds, Indians manager Terry Francona used a conventional method – i.e., emitting words from his mouth hole – at an unconventional time – i.e., during a pitching change on the mound – to inform right-hander Blake Wood that he (Wood, not Francona) had made the Cleveland rotation.

Less fun, at least for NotGraphs President and CEO Carson Cistulli, is this true fact: While Wood celebrated his achievement and Francona told the tale, the aforementioned mogul was forced to relive the many and various ways by which he, as a young and dream-filled ballplayer, learned that he had not made the team.

What follows is a truncated list:

– in a hand-drawn cartoon on a Hi-C juice box

– in a whisper from Mickey during a visit to Disneyland

– in a Golden Ticket inside a Willy Wonka Chocolate Bar

– in an onstage announcement during a Spice Girls concert in Concord

– in a telegram from Carl Yastrzemski

– in a brief statement from a trained parrot during a visit to Busch Gardens

– in a passing mention from a younger cousin who had made the team

– in an onscreen message during a “very special episode” of Who’s the Boss?

– in a second-period announcement over the school loudspeaker

– in a brief communiqué in his alphabet soup

– in a short announcement in the church bulletin

– in a ranger talk at the summit of Mount Washington

– in a phone call from Christina Applegate

– in a limerick from the leprechaun during the St. Paddy’s Day Parade

– in a message on an airplane banner during Spring Break at the Jersey Shore

– in a proclamation on the YMCA bulletin board, correcting a previous proclamation

– in a first-inning announcement on the Fenway Park PA system

– in a dramatic enactment during a mime show at the mall

– in an abrupt mention just prior to what would have been his first kiss

– in a typed, double-spaced and notarized letter wedged between the Hostess Twinkie and the Hostess Ding-Dong in his official Full House lunchbox

– in a message spelled out on hand-held placards during halftime at the Rose Bowl

– in a brief word from Glinda, The Good Witch of the North, during a school production of The Wizard of Oz

– in a message delivered by falcon during a falconry exhibition at Six Flags

– in a catchy tune from Happy The Clown

– in a mention from “Ben Franklin” during a field trip to Independence Hall

– in a dinner announcement from Bodhi, the cool counselor at sleep-away camp

– in a speech by Coach Thompson during an after-school pep rally

– in a song from the animatronic band at Chuck E. Cheese

– in a letter from Santa

Author’s Note: It is entirely possible that the aforementioned Aforementioned Mogul, being utterly mogul-ish, will soon dispatch a termination notice via text, email or remorseless henchman.




Print This Post

John, who has also written under the pseudonym "Azure Texan," writes for both The Hardball Times and NotGraphs.


Sort by:   newest | oldest | most voted
ljc
Guest
ljc
2 years 3 months ago

Oh my! What does dejected.jpg look like???

GerekBeterDiftJasket
Guest
GerekBeterDiftJasket
2 years 3 months ago

This post is kind of amazing.

The Return of Rambo Diaz
Guest
The Return of Rambo Diaz
2 years 3 months ago

Surprising this never happened as part of an outburst from the now-Mrs. Cistulli at the peak moment of sexy time.

Dang
Guest
Dang
2 years 3 months ago

3rd Grade Valentine’s Day conversation heart “U R CUT”

Mike Green
Guest
Mike Green
2 years 3 months ago

As an A and B side of a bonus 45 (“Carson got Cut”) in a LP record everyone was buying in Grade 7.

Pinstripe Wizard
Member
Pinstripe Wizard
2 years 3 months ago

Spelled out on his refrigerator with the alphabet magnets: Haha You Suck Again

Triteon
Guest
Triteon
2 years 3 months ago

“You’ve been cut”…tattooed on a stripper’s ass.

Wally
Guest
Wally
2 years 3 months ago

Spelled out in air-letters with glove in a nine framed-pitches sequence from Jose “Big Data” Molina.

Y-O-U-A-R-E-C-U-T

Jenstrom
Guest
Jenstrom
2 years 3 months ago

In a subliminal message inserted in a school hygiene film.

wpDiscuz