The Damn You Auto Correct All-Stars

Like most of you, I strongly believe that nicknames can never be too many nor too frivolous. Also, like you, I believe that many if not most of the kabbalistic secrets of creation were uncovered by Steve Jobs and are continually and carefully dispensed from Cupertino for the good of all humanity. Therefore, I’ve just spent longer than I care to admit thumbing the name of every qualifying ballplayer into an iPod Touch, and being gently yet firmly enlightened about what each man’s parents or forebears really meant for him to be called.

There has been a first cut. Some names were simply too searingly revelatory; I chose to shield your eyes. Now, I need your help in paring this down to a manageable roster. Which of these will stick? How much truth can we handle?

Batters

Matt “Widgets” Wieters
Jhonny “Perspex” Peralta
Miguel “Mongrel” Montero
Erick “At At” Aybar
Jason “Jetways” Heyward
Mike “Scolds” Aviles
Michael “Currier” Cuddyer
Jeff “Fran Prut” Francoeur
Casey “Coachman” Kotchman
Torii “Tirol” Hunter
James “Liner” Loney
Alcides “Al Idea” Escobar
David “Demeans” DeJesus
Ryan “Ludic” Ludwick
Hideki “Marduk” Matsui
Kosuke “Joshua” Fukudome

Starting Pitchers

Doug “Duster” Fister
Alexi “PGA Do” Ogando
Gio “GOP” Gonzalez
Mark “Bushels” Buehrle
Mat “Altos” Latos
Kyle “Louse” Lohse
Ryan “Dumpster” Dempster
Ryan “Vice Song” Vogelsong
Luke “Hi He At” Hochevar

Relief Pitchers

Matt “Belisha” Belisle
Jonathan “Lapel On” Papelbon
Steve “Cudgel” Cishek
Joakim “Doris” Soria
Carlos “Marmot” Marmol
Mark “Melanin” Melancon
Alfredo “Ace E’s” Aceves
Antonio “Castaway” Bastardo
Santiago “Casinos” Casilla
Jose “Betas” Veras
Matt “FireWire” Guerrier
Hisanori “Raja Ashy” Takahashi
Jeremy “Afield” Affeldt
Frank “Here Ann” Herrmann
Chad “Qualms” Qualls
Daniel “Schleswig” Schlereth




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33 Responses to “The Damn You Auto Correct All-Stars”

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  1. Kyle says:

    Joshua Fukudome is a done deal. Mark that shit down. Dumpster Dempster, Mongrel Montero and Marmot Marmol all have a certain ring to them.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Dayn Perry says:

    Al Idea.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. samuelraphael says:

    Paging Robert Fick…

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. James Lewis says:

    Forget nickname seeks player.

    Liner Loney and Dumpster Dempster take the cake!

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. samuelraphael says:

    Dust’er Fist’er!?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. DD says:

    Gio “GOP” Gonzalez, as he’s in DC now.

    Mark “Bushels” Buehrle, Matt “FireWire” Guerrier are awesome as well.

    Alas, the anagram nicknames are much funnier.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  7. Eric says:

    Luke Hi He At Hochevar
    Erick At At Aybar – Think of the Star Wars connection!

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Jack says:

      If we’re going for Star Wars, it should probably Erick ‘Admiral’ Aybar

      Vote -1 Vote +1

      • MH says:

        Jerry Dipoto: “So, Mike, now that Spring Training is almost over, how’s the club looking to you? Anything you think we need?”
        Mike Scioscia: “We could use some more defense at catcher.”
        Erick Aybar (bursting into the room): “ITS A TRAP!!”

        Vote -1 Vote +1

      • bstar says:

        Nah. The at at part makes it a double whammy

        Vote -1 Vote +1

      • bstar says:

        I’m going At at Aybar on this one; the Aybar implies Ackbar, so we’re getting a smorgasbord of Lucasdom right there.

        I also feel strongly that the name of Antonio Bastardo should be left to its own vices. Putting Castaway there takes away from the Beavis-like innate humor of Bastardo.

        Vote -1 Vote +1

  8. Dayn Perry says:

    Castaway Bastardo is also not to be overlooked.

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  9. I just knew Gio was a Republican.

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  10. “Raja Ashy” Takahashi and Dori Soria.

    But that pretty much covers all of them. They all make the team. Good job.

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  11. I sure hope LoMo reads this: if he does, I think “Bushels” sticks for Buehrle.

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  12. Illinois glass M. Michael Sheets says:

    I have been very impressed with the work put forth by MS MS so far. Keep up the good work.

    I have been calling him Dumpster for a couple years now thanks to my brother in law. If I had to choose three favorites I’d go with Castaway, Mongrel, and Joshua.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  13. swieker says:

    This might be the Internet’s best idea ever. I really hope these weren’t made up. I think “FireWire” could stick.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  14. marc w says:

    Chad Qualms is basically perfect.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  15. Nathan says:

    Joshua Fukudome is perfection.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  16. Well-Beered Englishman says:

    Lapel On Papelbon is obscenely catchy. Lapel-On-Papel-Bon!!

    But yeah… Chad Qualms. Heh.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  17. Expert Analyst says:

    My favorite is PGA Do. You just can’t make that up.

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  18. steex says:

    C – Matt “Widgets” Wieters
    1B – James “Liner” Loney
    2B – Erick “At At” Aybar
    3B – Mike “Scolds” Aviles
    SS – Jhonny “Perspex” Peralta
    RF – Jason “Jetways” Heyward
    CF – Torii “Tirol” Hunter
    LF – David “Demeans” DeJesus

    BN – Miguel “Mongrel” Montero
    BN – Alcides “Al Idea” Escobar
    BN – Casey “Coachman” Kotchman
    BN – Michael “Currier” Cuddyer
    BN – Kosuke “Joshua” Fukudome

    SP – Mat “Altos” Latos
    SP – Doug “Duster” Fister
    SP – Mark “Bushels” Buehrle
    SP – Gio “GOP” Gonzalez
    SP – Alexi “PGA Do” Ogando

    RP – Jonathan “Lapel On” Papelbon
    RP – Antonio “Castaway” Bastardo
    RP – Mark “Melanin” Melancon
    RP – Carlos “Marmot” Marmol
    RP – Santiago “Casinos” Casilla
    RP – Matt “FireWire” Guerrier
    RP – Hisanori “Raja Ashy” Takahashi

    Apologies to: Kyle “Louse” Lohse, Ryan “Vice Song” Vogelsong, Luke “Hi He At” Hochevar, Alfredo “Ace E’s” Aceves

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  19. CJ says:

    Oh. My. Goodness.

    Why did Scrabble not make the All-Star team?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  20. Peculiarly Peculiar says:

    Marduk Matsui as the Sun God of Babylon is an especially pleasing image to me.

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  21. barney says:

    Jason “Jetways” Heyward is too cool

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  22. nu billy baroo says:

    Doris Soria is lol funny.
    Mongrel Montero is classic

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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