The Damn You Auto Correct All-Stars
Like most of you, I strongly believe that nicknames can never be too many nor too frivolous. Also, like you, I believe that many if not most of the kabbalistic secrets of creation were uncovered by Steve Jobs and are continually and carefully dispensed from Cupertino for the good of all humanity. Therefore, I’ve just spent longer than I care to admit thumbing the name of every qualifying ballplayer into an iPod Touch, and being gently yet firmly enlightened about what each man’s parents or forebears really meant for him to be called.
There has been a first cut. Some names were simply too searingly revelatory; I chose to shield your eyes. Now, I need your help in paring this down to a manageable roster. Which of these will stick? How much truth can we handle?
Batters
Matt “Widgets” Wieters
Jhonny “Perspex” Peralta
Miguel “Mongrel” Montero
Erick “At At” Aybar
Jason “Jetways” Heyward
Mike “Scolds” Aviles
Michael “Currier” Cuddyer
Jeff “Fran Prut” Francoeur
Casey “Coachman” Kotchman
Torii “Tirol” Hunter
James “Liner” Loney
Alcides “Al Idea” Escobar
David “Demeans” DeJesus
Ryan “Ludic” Ludwick
Hideki “Marduk” Matsui
Kosuke “Joshua” Fukudome
Starting Pitchers
Doug “Duster” Fister
Alexi “PGA Do” Ogando
Gio “GOP” Gonzalez
Mark “Bushels” Buehrle
Mat “Altos” Latos
Kyle “Louse” Lohse
Ryan “Dumpster” Dempster
Ryan “Vice Song” Vogelsong
Luke “Hi He At” Hochevar
Relief Pitchers
Matt “Belisha” Belisle
Jonathan “Lapel On” Papelbon
Steve “Cudgel” Cishek
Joakim “Doris” Soria
Carlos “Marmot” Marmol
Mark “Melanin” Melancon
Alfredo “Ace E’s” Aceves
Antonio “Castaway” Bastardo
Santiago “Casinos” Casilla
Jose “Betas” Veras
Matt “FireWire” Guerrier
Hisanori “Raja Ashy” Takahashi
Jeremy “Afield” Affeldt
Frank “Here Ann” Herrmann
Chad “Qualms” Qualls
Daniel “Schleswig” Schlereth
Joshua Fukudome is a done deal. Mark that shit down. Dumpster Dempster, Mongrel Montero and Marmot Marmol all have a certain ring to them.
Al Idea.
Paging Robert Fick…
Forget nickname seeks player.
Liner Loney and Dumpster Dempster take the cake!
Dust’er Fist’er!?
I hardly even knew ‘er!
Gio “GOP” Gonzalez, as he’s in DC now.
Mark “Bushels” Buehrle, Matt “FireWire” Guerrier are awesome as well.
Alas, the anagram nicknames are much funnier.
Luke Hi He At Hochevar
Erick At At Aybar – Think of the Star Wars connection!
If we’re going for Star Wars, it should probably Erick ‘Admiral’ Aybar
Jerry Dipoto: “So, Mike, now that Spring Training is almost over, how’s the club looking to you? Anything you think we need?”
Mike Scioscia: “We could use some more defense at catcher.”
Erick Aybar (bursting into the room): “ITS A TRAP!!”
Nah. The at at part makes it a double whammy
I’m going At at Aybar on this one; the Aybar implies Ackbar, so we’re getting a smorgasbord of Lucasdom right there.
I also feel strongly that the name of Antonio Bastardo should be left to its own vices. Putting Castaway there takes away from the Beavis-like innate humor of Bastardo.
Castaway Bastardo is also not to be overlooked.
The lightbulb just came on for the picture to make sense. Damn those years of hard core drug use.
Viva Le
Comment fail. Viva La Bastardo.
I just knew Gio was a Republican.
“Raja Ashy” Takahashi and Dori Soria.
But that pretty much covers all of them. They all make the team. Good job.
I sure hope LoMo reads this: if he does, I think “Bushels” sticks for Buehrle.
Same goes for these — I can really see them sticking if they get into the right hands:
Matt “Widgets” Wieters
Miguel “Mongrel” Montero
Erick “At At” Aybar
I have been very impressed with the work put forth by MS MS so far. Keep up the good work.
I have been calling him Dumpster for a couple years now thanks to my brother in law. If I had to choose three favorites I’d go with Castaway, Mongrel, and Joshua.
This might be the Internet’s best idea ever. I really hope these weren’t made up. I think “FireWire” could stick.
Chad Qualms is basically perfect.
Joshua Fukudome is perfection.
Lapel On Papelbon is obscenely catchy. Lapel-On-Papel-Bon!!
But yeah… Chad Qualms. Heh.
My favorite is PGA Do. You just can’t make that up.
I was sorely tempted to Photoshop that one, but couldn’t settle on which golfer’s coiffure would best fit on Alexi’s head.
In my head, Alexei would be best matched with a young Vijay Singh.
A classic Jack Nicklaus do on Ogando would look striking.
C – Matt “Widgets” Wieters
1B – James “Liner” Loney
2B – Erick “At At” Aybar
3B – Mike “Scolds” Aviles
SS – Jhonny “Perspex” Peralta
RF – Jason “Jetways” Heyward
CF – Torii “Tirol” Hunter
LF – David “Demeans” DeJesus
BN – Miguel “Mongrel” Montero
BN – Alcides “Al Idea” Escobar
BN – Casey “Coachman” Kotchman
BN – Michael “Currier” Cuddyer
BN – Kosuke “Joshua” Fukudome
SP – Mat “Altos” Latos
SP – Doug “Duster” Fister
SP – Mark “Bushels” Buehrle
SP – Gio “GOP” Gonzalez
SP – Alexi “PGA Do” Ogando
RP – Jonathan “Lapel On” Papelbon
RP – Antonio “Castaway” Bastardo
RP – Mark “Melanin” Melancon
RP – Carlos “Marmot” Marmol
RP – Santiago “Casinos” Casilla
RP – Matt “FireWire” Guerrier
RP – Hisanori “Raja Ashy” Takahashi
Apologies to: Kyle “Louse” Lohse, Ryan “Vice Song” Vogelsong, Luke “Hi He At” Hochevar, Alfredo “Ace E’s” Aceves
Oh. My. Goodness.
Why did Scrabble not make the All-Star team?
Marduk Matsui as the Sun God of Babylon is an especially pleasing image to me.
Jason “Jetways” Heyward is too cool
Doris Soria is lol funny.
Mongrel Montero is classic