The Fantasy Team Update You’ve All Been Waiting For

Hey Friends,

Just wanted to shoot you this mass e-mail to give you all an update on my fantasy baseball team and how things have been going so far this season. I apologize that it’s been a while since my last update– I know you’re all staying up nights wondering if I’ve been able to fill the hole in my outfield created by Jacoby Ellsbury’s injury, or whether I decided to stick with Phil Humber after his run of lousy starts or instead throw him back on the scrap heap, and I feel terrible that I haven’t had the chance to reach out sooner with the latest news. Before I get to the stats, I just want to let you know how much all of your support regarding my fantasy success has meant over the past few years, and, please, if there are any fantasy activities that you’re involved in where I could throw some karma your way, don’t hesitate to let me know. If there’s time between lineup changes and trade negotiations, you can definitely count on me to come to a flea market or a funeral or whatever it is the rest of you spend your time doing.

So, the numbers you’ve all been waiting for… I’ve risen to third place (that’s ten points!) in stolen bases! The milestone we were hoping to achieve in the last e-mail has finally come true! No need to send presents, seeing it in the standings is reward enough for me. (But if you must send a present, send it to my wife.)

Okay, what else to update… Cody Ross’s injury… slipping in the ERA standings… one of my children got murdered… Francisco Liriano to the bullpen… all pretty devastating, in their own ways.

Next update soon! I know, I know, more frequent mass e-mails about my fantasy team! I hear you! But there’s only so much one man can do!

Your Least Favorite Person In The World

Print This Post

Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

Sort by:   newest | oldest | most voted
4 years 4 months ago

An update, finally! Good luck with stabilizing that ERA!