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The Feast of Papelbon the Ridiculously Flamboyant

As regular – and stupendously handsome – NotGraphs reader and commenter Yirmiyahu pointed out in an email to our underground headquarters over the weekend: We must feast. Especially during the offseason.


Papelbon the Ridiculously Flamboyant

Life: Jonathan Papelbon got paid, and is the new closer for the Philadelphia Phillies. I, for one, as an unabashed supporter of the Toronto Blue Jays, who ply their trade in the American League East, wasn’t saddened to see Papelbon leave for the Senior Circuit. Because I hate Jonathan Papelbon. And, if we’re being honest, which I think we are, I hate him because he’s good; because he always got the job done. Except against Baltimore, and Robert Andino, on the last night of the regular season. The OrioLOLes! That was awesome.

Spiritual Exercise: Papelbon’s one of the game’s dominant closers; has been since 2006. Ask yourself not: Will Papelbon’s success continue in the National League? Obviously it will; it’s the National League. Ask yourself: Will Papelbon continue to succeed while being, for the most part, on the field, a massive jerk?

A Prayer for Jonathan Papelbon

Jonathan Papelbon!
I hate you.
I always have
And I probably always will.

It’s nothing personal
Just baseball, yo.
I’m sure you’re a decent chap
To be honest
I’m not really sure sometimes.

I hate the stare-downs
And the fist-pumps
And the riverdancing.
Especially the riverdancing.
You don’t riverdance
After winning the ALCS.
The World Series
But not the ALCS.

There’s more:
The chest-thumping
And the yelling and screaming
On the mound.
Dude: Act like you’ve goddamn done it before.

Oh, Papelbon.
You made it so easy to hate you.
And now that you’re gone
Out of the AL East
There’s a hatred hole
In my heart.

But life goes on
As it’s known to do
And I’ll hate you from afar.

Maybe you’ll change
Your flamboyant ways
Now that you’re rich
Beyond frigging belief.
But, I don’t know
I’m hoping you won’t.
Hating you has always
Been kind of fun.

Baseball needs villains
And you play the role perfectly.
Bravo, Papelbon
See you in Interleague Play.
Or, if I’m lucky
The World Series.

Image courtesy The Associated Press, via Daylife.