The Feast of Vladimir Guerrero (Among Others)

Every pitch is a teachable moment for Vladimir the Great.

Yesterday, in these pages, I proposed that, as is common practice for important figures in the Eastern Orthodox Church, that it might be appropriate to adopt “feast days” for baseball players who are important to the history of this honored game.

Today, we feast in the name of five players, as follows (each with accompanying prayer):

1. Vladimir Guerrero

You’ve taught us that not only is it impossible
to walk off the island, but also to walk
out of Montreal, Orange County, and the Dallas Metro area!
Hear our prayer!

2. Mookie Wilson

Somehow you’re both uncle to and stepfather of
former major-leaguer Preston Wilson.
Also, your name is Mookie.
Let’s celebrate our differences!

3. John Kruk

John Kruk!
You’ve demonstrated, via your six years on Baseball Tonight,
that some, if not all, things are better left unsaid.

4. Vic Wertz

Vic Wertz!
You hit the ball that Willie Mays famously caught
and then died suddenly while working as a beer distributor.
Not on the same day.

5. Tex Hughson

Tex Hughson!
You’re from a generation
that had some important ideas
about what to call a man.
Hallowed be thy nickname!

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Very nice, but I’ve to regret (or would regret, were I not a libertine descriptivist) that a fellow Columbian mistakes a contraction for a possessive (“you’re” for “your” in the Mookie item).