The Glorious, Glorious Mustache-Spectacles Spectrum

BEHOLD! THE WORLD’S MOST INSTRUCTIVE SPECTRUM, THE MUSTACHE-SPECTACLES SPECTRUM:

THIS IS THE MOMENT THE PROPHETS FORETOLD, WHEN THEY SPAKE:

…AND THERE SHALL COME A SPECTRUM, A BEAM OF WISDOM AND ETHNICITY THAT STARTS THICK AND FUZZLED AND CURLING AROUND THINE UPPER LIP, BECOMES THINNED AND VAGUELY HISPANIC WITH AN AFRO SQUEEZING FROM YONDER CAP, AND ENDS PURE AND PURELY BESPECTACLED, YET MILDLY UNSURE IF THE PICTURE HATH YET BEEN TAKEN — AND YE SHALL UNDERSTAND THE LOCKED CAPS AND WHY WE HATH TO YOU GIVEN THEM. LET IT BE SO. (AXFORD 5:9)

NOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE — LENNY SAKATA, WILLIE MUELLER, AND DANNY BOITANO.

DANNY BOITANO, WILLIE MUELLER, AND LENNY SAKATA. ALL ONE TEAM, ALL ONE SPECTRUM, BUT EACH A SEPARATE GLORY.




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Bradley writes for FanGraphs, The Hardball Times, Cubs Stats, DRaysBay and Homebody Abroad. Follow him on Twitter @BradleyWoodrum.

8 Responses to “The Glorious, Glorious Mustache-Spectacles Spectrum”

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  1. Big Jgke says:

    Truly, what would Danny Boitano do?

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    • Dave says:

      He’d probably kick an ass or two. That’s what Brian Boitano’d do.

      No hang on, that’s Brian. I’m not sure about Danny

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  2. Martyn says:

    As my infirm old grandmother used to say, ‘f*&!@n’ booootiful’!

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  3. shibboleth says:

    hallelujah, amen, ghesundheit!

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  4. Steve the Pirate says:

    Given the negative WAR produced by these players during their tenures with the Brewers, Future Stars would not be an accurate description of the mustache spectrum. That said, the lack of a mustache/spectacle adjustment to fWAR may be skewing the numbers here. Maybe the thinktank can come up with a nWAR (notGraphs WAR) for situations like these.

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  5. nubillybaroo says:

    Lenn Sakata has not shaved a day in his life.

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  6. Marshall says:

    Gary Oldman, Bartolo Colon, George Takei?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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