The Medical Side Effects of Every Team Allegiance

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For more than a month, the present author has waged an on-again, off-again with a very persistent ear infection — a condition itself which appears to have developed owing largely to the dimensions of the author’s left Eustachian tube, which is roughly the size of an infant child’s. That’s the medical explanation distilled to its essence, at least.

A week of antibiotics did little to address the problem, initially. A second week — in this case, of steroids administered both orally and by way of the ear canal — helped some. The most recent treatment, however — of a second, more efficient antibiotic (according to the doctor) — has produced tangible results so far as the health of the ear in question is concerend. What else it’s done is to cause within the author’s body a condition that isn’t but ought to be known as Gastrointestinal Melee 5000.

Indeed, a brief inspection of the fact sheet for the drug in question reveals that users of same frequently observe selles molles. An exercise in euphemism, is how one ought to regard this.

At the very least, this (admittedly minor) ordeal has created a flimsy pretense upon which it is now possible to produce Internet Weblog Content. It has occurred to the author that it might be amusing to attribute to each major-league club the most common “side effect,” as it were, of cheering for same.

To construct such a list, here’s what the author has done:

  1. Arranged all 30 teams in order of 2013 winning percentage.
  2. Matched those 30 teams, in order, with the 30 top-selling prescription medications.
  3. Attributed the most common side effect of each drug (per WebMD) to the “matched” team.
  4. Utilized the HTML code for an “ordered list” to create this ordered list.

So, for example: the Cardinals finished the 2013 season with the top record in baseball (tied with Boston, at least). Nexium, designed to treat acid reflux, is the top-selling prescription medication on the market. The most common side effect of Nexium, according to WebMD’s database, is headache. Hence, by this infallible methodology, the most common side effect of being a Cardinals fan is headache.

In the event that the most common side effect of a particular drug had already been accounted for, then the second-most common one was used, and so on — such that all 30 teams might have their own unique and weird and occasionally appropriate side effects.

Here’s the finished list, in the form of an awkwardly proportioned table:

Team Most Common Side Effect
Angels Pancreatitis
Astros Gas
Athletics Throat irritation
Blue Jays Kidney disease
Braves Muscle pain
Brewers Chest pain
Cardinals Head pain
Cubs Dizziness
D-backs Drowsiness
Dodgers Itching
Giants Swelling
Indians Abnormally low blood pressure
Mariners Indigestion
Marlins Incomplete bowel movements
Mets Low blood sugar
Nationals Infection of the whole body
Orioles Acute infection of the nose
Padres Ovarian failure
Phillies Blurred vision
Pirates Dry mouth
Rangers Joint pain
Rays Widening of blood vessels
Red Sox Feeling of restlessness with inability to sit still
Reds Abnormal liver function
Rockies Visible water retention
Royals Hemorrhage
Tigers Redness
Twins Fluid retention in the legs, feet, arms or hands
White Sox Fluid in the heart
Yankees Depression

And here are some notes — delivered in the form of an unordered list, this time:

  • What one observes mostly in the construction of such a list as the one above is that all medications are frightening and designed to kill us.
  • It’s probably not surprising that a Padre would suffer ovarian failure — in the sense, that is, that he has likely failed to possess ovaries from the beginning.
  • Otherwise, much of this list appears dominated by capital-C Chance.
  • “Chance is the side effect of the drug called Life,” Jean-Paul Sartre probably said or wrote once.
  • The actual side effect of supporting any of the teams here is probably increased psychological well-being, according to a recent study.

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Yeah, “swelling” with the Giants? More like swelling of a certain member. GO G-MEN OF THE WEST!


Accurate reflection of stereotypes of the city, this.

A eskpert
A eskpert

Perhaps Pablo Sandoval stepped on your finger?

Well-Beered Englishman
Well-Beered Englishman

Pablo Sandoval counts as swelling already.