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The Medical Side Effects of Every Team Allegiance
Posted By Carson Cistulli On November 19, 2013 @ 1:04 pm In True Facts | 23 Comments
Use a colorful stock photo to attract readers’ attention.
For more than a month, the present author has waged an on-again, off-again with a very persistent ear infection — a condition itself which appears to have developed owing largely to the dimensions of the author’s left Eustachian tube, which is roughly the size of an infant child’s. That’s the medical explanation distilled to its essence, at least.
A week of antibiotics did little to address the problem, initially. A second week — in this case, of steroids administered both orally and by way of the ear canal — helped some. The most recent treatment, however — of a second, more efficient antibiotic (according to the doctor) — has produced tangible results so far as the health of the ear in question is concerend. What else it’s done is to cause within the author’s body a condition that isn’t but ought to be known as Gastrointestinal Melee 5000.
Indeed, a brief inspection of the fact sheet for the drug in question reveals that users of same frequently observe selles molles. An exercise in euphemism, is how one ought to regard this.
At the very least, this (admittedly minor) ordeal has created a flimsy pretense upon which it is now possible to produce Internet Weblog Content. It has occurred to the author that it might be amusing to attribute to each major-league club the most common “side effect,” as it were, of cheering for same.
To construct such a list, here’s what the author has done:
So, for example: the Cardinals finished the 2013 season with the top record in baseball (tied with Boston, at least). Nexium, designed to treat acid reflux, is the top-selling prescription medication on the market. The most common side effect of Nexium, according to WebMD’s database, is headache. Hence, by this infallible methodology, the most common side effect of being a Cardinals fan is headache.
In the event that the most common side effect of a particular drug had already been accounted for, then the second-most common one was used, and so on — such that all 30 teams might have their own unique and weird and occasionally appropriate side effects.
Here’s the finished list, in the form of an awkwardly proportioned table:
|Team||Most Common Side Effect|
|Blue Jays||Kidney disease|
|Indians||Abnormally low blood pressure|
|Marlins||Incomplete bowel movements|
|Mets||Low blood sugar|
|Nationals||Infection of the whole body|
|Orioles||Acute infection of the nose|
|Rays||Widening of blood vessels|
|Red Sox||Feeling of restlessness with inability to sit still|
|Reds||Abnormal liver function|
|Rockies||Visible water retention|
|Twins||Fluid retention in the legs, feet, arms or hands|
|White Sox||Fluid in the heart|
And here are some notes — delivered in the form of an unordered list, this time:
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