The NotFive

In which we spotlight the five minor-league prospects whom we most want to reach the majors, for reasons completely unrelated to baseball skill.

1) Kevin Vance, RHP, Birmingham


On Twitter, Kevin Vance describes himself as an “Undersized Silver Back Gorilla.” To call his tweets “pearls of wisdom” would be to give pearls a great compliment. To wit: “I don’t want to learn the language that Khaleesi speaks, I need to.” “Oh you went to Coachella? No one cares.” “Do people still orders magazines? Unless you own a barber shop you should not be doing that #21stCentury” “Need to see a full on make out at the end of a ice dance performance. Figure it out. #5SecondFrencher #Sochi #SuchATease #MakeOut #Nation”

2) Dovydas Neverauskas, RHP, West Virginia


Dovydas Neverauskas goes by “Never.” As in, there has never been a major league player from Lithuania. When he was asked if his teammates had heard of Lithuania, he said: “To be honest, they really do not know.” Also, he is on SoundCloud.

3) Cutter Dykstra, 2B, Harrisburg


Cutter Dykstra is the son of Lenny Dykstra, and should be known, though he appears not to be, as “Little Nails.” Lenny Dykstra was one of the most entertaining and occasionally best players of his era, and later was charged with grand theft auto, possession of cocaine, identity theft, and indecent exposure. Cutter Dykstra has Lenny Dykstra’s genetic material. Cutter is married to Jamie-Lynn Sigler, a.k.a. Meadow Soprano.

4) Damien Magnifico, RHP, Brevard County


Damien Magnifico hails from a town called Mesquite. He threw 100 mph twenty-two times in a single game. You could say, if you were so inclined, that he is the Heat from Mesquite. Also: he deploys fart machines during batting practice.

5) Cody Decker, 1B, El Paso


Cody Decker convinced Jeff Francoeur that one of their teammates was deaf. For over a month. And he made a movie about it. Baseball needs this man like Carlos Zambrano needed anger management.

Bonus Prospect:

6) Chase Lambin, 2B, Sugar Land


Chase Lambin will be 35 in July. This is his 13th year in professional baseball. He has never appeared in a major league game. He once maintained a personal website; no longer does he do so. Yet by all reports, his enthusiasm is boundless. He calls his son Champ.

Honorable Mentions: Tracy McGrady, Storm Throne, Correlle Prime, Cleuluis Rondon, Zeb Sneed, Duke von Schamann, Anthony Bemboom, Jose Jose

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10 Responses to “The NotFive”

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  1. Jenstrom says:

    Even though a cutter is a pitch, Cutter Dykstra sounds like a mobster nickname.

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  2. MikeS says:

    Cody Decker also appears to be the prospect formerly known as Prince.

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  3. Mr. Observant says:

    Storm Throne looks like an ice giant from Jötunheimr who cannot pitch well. His arrival in the Majors might bring on Ragnarök. By the ample bosom of Frigga, may he get the call-up to Midgard soon!

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  4. tz says:

    But getting sent back down to Vilnius…Never!

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  5. Clock says:

    JOSE JOSE!?!?!?

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