The Rap All-Stars


Jay-Z wants to be an agent. Though there may be a certain demographic gulf between the baseball and hip-hop communities, the two also share a long, proud history of casual dalliances. Today we celebrate that history by acknowledging the greatest ballplayers ever to appear in Mr. Carter et al.’s lyrical corpus.

C Johnny Bench
I’m fancy, man, I tickles like the French
Not Johnny but like Bench I press on like Lee

– Ynot, on Common’s “Chapter 13 (Rich Man vs. Poor Man)”

1B Lou Gehrig
Dudes saying things they wondering who said it
The luckiest man alive i’m feeling like Lou Gehrig
Minus the disease, I admire my fitness
And under them jeans I admire the thickness

– C-Weav, “Chillin Wit Da Girls”

2B Joe Morgan
Michael Jordan I’m important, keep tapes recordin
Buyin baseball stadiums, talkin to Joe Morgan
Cincinnati Reds, I’m over your heads

– Kool Keith, “The Girls Don’t Like the Job”

3B Mike Schmidt
And then, hand over the microphone
I get a type grip
Cause when it’s time to swing
I hit like Mike Schmidt

– Ugly Duckling, “Friday Night”

SS Honus Wagner
You and me, well, that just ain’t a fair fight
You’re a dime a dozen, baby, I’m a real rare type
Like a Honus Wagner with a ton of swagger
I’mma chug another lager till this strut becomes a stagger

– Intuition, “Homegirl”

LF Ted Williams
The way I’m flowin’ is heat the temp a million and one
I’m tryin’ to keep a cool head like Ted Williams son

– Esoteric, on 7L’s “Ring Music”

CF Ty Cobb
I’m eating anything in my way, kinda like The Blob
White guy, swinging a bat at your balls, Ty Cobb
I’m kinda odd
Ask my Mom, I’m a giant slob
Who needs to move out, grow up, and find a job

– Danimal Lector, “Loose Screws”

RF Babe Ruth
I stay loose like a decayed tooth
Call shots like Babe Ruth, sippin the Grey Goose

– Esoteric, on 7L’s “Throw ‘Em Up”

PH Barry Bonds
Some women are Clemens, they just keep going with it
Don’t sweat it, be like Pettitte, just admit it
And for the record they be saying Barry Bonds hit it
Get it?

– Fabolous, “Here’s Another Hit”

SP Greg Maddux
See one of the keys to my success I switched up like Greg Maddux
While maintainin my composure to become one of the baddest

– Paul Wall, “Sippin’ The Barre”

SP Cy Young
Maybe I’ll die dumb
Leaving behind a beautiful corpse known for my hand on my balls like Cy Young
Eyes numb from constantly staying open
And constantly being haunted by promises they broken

– Royce da 5’9″, on Slaughterhouse’s “Sucka MC’s”

SP Sandy Koufax
Yo, I’m like the black rap Sandy Koufax cuz I’m a throwback cat
That crack collars and yack like “where the ‘dro at?”
Deez niggas know dat – Rob go hard with the Kojak
Up in the side, gettin some blowback

– Rob Jackson, “Boom, Boom, Boom”

RP Mariano Rivera
More than a street legend, homey, it’s Hova
More than a relief pitcher, I’m the closer
The Mariano of the Mariott
If money talks, the whole world’s about to hear me out

– Jay-Z, on Young Jeezy’s “Go Crazy”

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8 Responses to “The Rap All-Stars”

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  1. MusialyAwesome says:

    The Beasties say hello:

    “And I’ve got more hits than Sadaharu Oh” – Hey Ladies (Paul’s Boutique)

    “Got more Louie than Philip Rizzuto” – What Comes Around (Paul’s Boutique)

    “And I’ve got mad hits like I was Rod Carew” – Sure Shot (Ill Communication)

    “I said, Oops gotcha clutch like Piazza” – 3 The Hard Way (To the 5 Boroughs)

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. “I’m a cool king / Felix throwin the two seam”
    –Blue Scholars, “Fou Lee”

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. 3rd Bass says:

    No mention? Really?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. DogsWithHats says:

    ]+1 for the mental image of Paul Wall and Maddux hanging out

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. Herp Derpington says:

    That Ted Williams line is gold. GOLD JERRY, GOLD!

    Vote -1 Vote +1