The REAL Problem with Daniel Bard

The real problem with Daniel Bard — certainly way more pressing than any velocity or command issues (ahem, Dave Cameron) — is that he’s in space without a space suit. According to Wikipedia, Bard’s flesh will expand to about twice its size in the hard vacuum of space, and he’s likely to lose consciousness within the next 15 seconds due the effects of oxygen starvation. Hopefully, he didn’t just hold his breath, either, because apparently that can cause explosive decompression, which’d basically ruin his lungs.




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7 Responses to “The REAL Problem with Daniel Bard”

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  1. Well-Beered Englishman says:

    Now I’m tempted to play that game where you go to Wikipedia, click the “Random Article” button, and come up with a reason why everything you see is the real problem with Daniel Bard.

    - The real problem with Daniel Bard is that he is a victim of a conspiracy by Peru’s Left Socialist Accord.
    - The real problem with Daniel Bard is that he has left the Red Sox to be in Weza, KwaZulu-Natal.
    - The real problem with Daniel Bard is that he buys his cleats from Alpargatas, the largest Brazilian footwear company.
    - The real problem with Daniel Bard is that he was scarred by a viewing of the 2009 Bollywood gang drama “Luck.”
    - The real problem with Daniel Bard is that he is running back Ricky Williams.

    +12 Vote -1 Vote +1

    • therood says:

      Perhaps it’s because he’s too engrossed in Sara Woods’ mystery novels to actually prepare for his outings.

      Maybe he acquired dysentery while visiting Peenya in Bangalore.

      Or he’s living in the Pitkin Tunnel in nearby New Haven and therefore not consuming substantial nutrients for his starts.

      But we all know it’s because he’s been singing “I Love You Truly” for six months straight and his brain and body have subsequently gone to mush.

      Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Nathan says:

      Good idea! Here’s the first five I got:

      - The problem with Daniel Bard is that rather than pitching from the customary distance of 60’6″ away from home, he has been pitching roughly 4153 miles away from home plate, in Diosjeno, Hungary

      - The problem with Daniel Bard is that he died in 1994, albiet after an illustrious political career in Fiji’s House of Representatives.

      - The problem with Daniel Bard is that he’s always too tired to pitch effectively, as he spends every Tuesday late night/early morning discussing military technology on the New York City radio airwaves.

      - The problem with Daniel Bard is that he is quite the radio enthusiast. In addition to spending the late/early hours of Monday/Tuesday discussing weaponry on NYC radio, he also run a station based in the Northern Mariana Islands. All that travel to the South Pacific is exhausting.

      - The problem with Daniel Bard is that he takes too many side-trips to Currie Street when he’s visiting his radio station in the Northern Marianas.

      So, perhaps the real problem with Daniel Bard is that he’s Carmen Sandiego.

      Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Jack says:

      The real problem with Daniel Bard is that he’s pitching during the 2009 Hemisphere tropical cyclone season, which can mess with your curveball flight path.

      The real problem with Daniel Bard is that he’s been stabbed by former Swiss Olympic Fencer, Michel Fauconnet.

      The real problem with Daniel Bard is that he’s playing in the Keystone Junior Hockey League, not the MLB.

      The real problem with Daniel Bard is that he’s worried about his Concetrated Stock portfolio losing money.

      The real problem with Daniel Bard is that he is an Extinct Animal for the Isle of Man, like the Manx Cattle.

      The real problem with Daniel Bard is that he’s been spending to much time in New Idria, an ghost town adjacent to mercury and asbestos mines in San Bentio County, California.

      Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Spacematt says:

    Based on the evidence in the picture, I draw a different conclusion. Maybe Bard is a spaceman, and his problem is that the immense pressure of the Earth’s atmosphere is about to crush him. Only his superspacehuman’s strength has kept him from being imploded so far.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. deadhead says:

    The real problem with Daniel Bard is that he is an administrative assistant to Stone Phillips’ mother. The current demand for female parents of former Dateline anchors is in the stratosphere (thus the picture of him waaaaay above the Earth). It just so happens that Stone Phillips’ mom is the Mongolian Stomper and Mr. Bard has lost his control down her trunks. The Boston baseball club is hoping that he finds his control in Pawtucket (apparently this Rhode Island city fits in Ms. Phillips briefs), if not, Bobby Valentine hasn’t ruled out having him use a loaded boot in the future.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. Mo says:

    The real problem with Daniel Bard is that he has been buying pitching lessons off of Groupon.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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