The Red Sox-Yankees Game Recap in Comic Sans

Resident of the internet @dianagram has requested — for reasons as beautiful as they are mysterious — has requested that the recap for Tuesday night’s Red Sox-Yankees game (box) be reproduced in what the students of Rundlett Junior High School named the Most Stirring Typeface of 1993, Comic Sans.

In his perpetual quest never to disappoint anyone, anywhere, the author has executed the aforementioned demands, from the Associated Press’s able recap of the game in question.

To wit:

NEW YORK (AP) — Raul Ibanez tied it with a pinch-hit homer in the ninth inning, then had an RBI single in the 12th, helping the Yankees remain a game up on Baltimore in the AL East with one game to go by beating the Boston Red Sox 4-3 on Tuesday night.

With a second comeback spurred by Ibanez in the last 10 days, the Yankees need a win or Orioles loss on the final day of the season to secure their 13th division title since 1996. The Orioles beat Tampa Bay 1-0 earlier.

If the teams end up even after Wednesday’s games, they’ll play a tiebreaker Thursday in Baltimore.

The Yankees kept missing chances on a misty night. They were 0-58 when trailing after eight innings this season before rallying in the ninth.

Curtis Granderson led off with a single off closer Andrew Bailey and Ibanez lined a shot to right field to make it 3-all.

Ibanez came up again with two outs in the 12th after Francisco Cervelli walked in his first plate appearance of the year and Granderson drew a walk from Andrew Miller (3-2).

Ibanez hit a grounder out of the reach of shortstop Jose Iglesias and Cervelli flopped into home plate. The Yankees ran out to first base to mob Ibanez, who had a tying two-run homer against Oakland in the 13th inning on Sept. 22. He was doused with a bucket of water during a postgame interview.

”We stuck together. We stayed after them, and we were able to pull it out,” Ibanez said. ”I was trying not to do too much, and it found a hole.”

Derek Lowe (9-11) pitched two innings for the win.

While the Orioles were chasing the Yankees in the standings, Lowe’s outing was delayed briefly in the 12th by another kind of bird. A member of the grounds crew, using a bucket, chased a bird that landed on the infield and was reluctant to fly off.

The Red Sox dropped to 69-92, and the loss ensured they will finish in last place in the East for the first time since 1992.

The Yankees had at least one hit in each of the first six innings before the top three in the batting order went out successively in the seventh against Junichi Tazawa.

They loaded the bases against Bailey in the ninth but Mark Melancon relieved and got Mark Teixeira to pop up to an outfield playing in and Robinson Cano to ground out.

Managing as if this were a playoff game, manager Joe Girardi used much of his well-rested bullpen. He called on Rafael Soriano for the ninth, trailing 2-1, and the closer gave up a leadoff homer to James Loney, rankling many of the 41,564 who stayed through the rain.

He also pitched the 10th, walking one batter. It was the first time this season he pitched more than 1 1-3 innings.

Jacoby Ellsbury and Dustin Pedroia were back in Boston’s lineup a day after sitting out of a 10-2 loss and immediately made an impact. Ellsbury, who sat against left-hander CC Sabathia, singled and scored from first on a double to right-center by Pedroia, playing with a broken left ring finger. Cody Ross added a sacrifice fly against David Phelps for a 2-0 lead.

Eduardo Nunez had an RBI single off Jon Lester after Granderson reached on an infield hit, advanced to second on a throwing error by third baseman Pedro Ciriaco on the play and then stole third base.

Teixeira grounded out with runners on first and second to end the fifth and was booed by the many fans who remained in their seats.

The Yankees had runners on second and third with two outs in the seventh against Rich Hill and Ichiro Suzuki came up to chants of ”Ich-iro!” He hit a sharp line drive to center field that was caught by Ellsbury.

NOTES: Yankees top pitching prospect Manny Banuelos is scheduled to have reconstructive surgery on his left elbow Thursday. Dr. James Andrews will perform the Tommy John surgery. The 21-year-old Banuelos is expected to miss the 2013 season. … Boston entered the game 24 games out of first place. The previous time they were that far out was after games of Sept. 22, 1969. … Boston’s Daisuke Matsuzaka (1-6) faces New York’s Hiroki Kuroda (15-11) in the regular-season finale.




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Carson Cistulli occasionally publishes spirited ejaculations at The New Enthusiast.


6 Responses to “The Red Sox-Yankees Game Recap in Comic Sans”

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  1. I demand Getty Images.

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  2. Mrs. Cistulli says:

    Fuck the Yankees in the ass with a chainsaw. I hate the stupid looks on all their stupid, fucking faces. I hope they writhe in pig shit until the end of eternity. Go Astros!!!

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    • Steve says:

      I second the sentiment that I am disappointed by the Yankees comeback, and would have greatly preferred them to be tied with Balt heading into the last day of the season, before being relegated to the wildcard game. I cannot express it as eloquently, however.

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  3. GiveEmTheBird says:

    But wouldn’t the Yankees getting knocked out by losing three game in a row (tonight, the tie breaker, and the wildcard play-in) be unbelievably fantastic?

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  4. dustin says:

    Ah, the joys of having uninstalled Comic Sans. This article is in Times New Roman for me :)

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