The Ringtone That Made Me a Better Man

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a good man. I am scarcely a man at all. The only time I demonstrate the steadfastness typically associated with archetypal man is when my full complement of vices is challenged by those circumstantially invested in my survival and or continued employment. That is to say, if you’re looking for a man, then cast thine eyes elsewhere. No, not upon Cistulli and his wrists of cooked pasta.

With all that said, foulest poo — thanks to its grim baseline — can easily be improved upon, and in keeping with this general principle it is worth noting that a ringtone has demonstrably made me a better man. You see, I was weary of the old default-settings ringtone of my Battery-Powered Mobile Business Handheld Cellular Telephone, much as I am weary of my dumb face and essence. The ringtone, though, I could do something about.

Thanks to an app called Ringdroid, which is possibly favored by pregnant teens and their baggy pants and rap-hop music and krokodil habits, I was able to make a ringtone out of any old audio file. As for the interface, even a moaning dolt with hot dog fingers can use it.

For the sound in question that is now my Business Ringtone I chose this, which is a series of professional utterances first celebrated on the august pages of Eye On Baseball …

You may not call me, but if you ever did, then this is what I would hear. And I am the better for it. Barely.