The Scott Podsednik Story, as Embellished by 13-Year-Old Girls

Scene: a crowded cafeteria in a middle school lunch room. A group of young girls are sitting at a table, eating Greek yogurt. Another young lady takes a seat at the table, and begins talking.

Savannah: Oh. My. God. You guys. Have you heard about Scott?

Madison: No. What?

Kelli: Duuuuuh. He and Boston broke up. He’s with Arizona now. That happened like a week ago.

Aurora: Nuh uh, Scott and Arizona are broken up now. Tyffani told me that Arizona only went out with Scott because she wanted to get with Matt Albers. She totally used him.

Savannah: Yeah, but guess what? Destiny told me that Regan said that Kaylee heard from Audra that Zoe read on Peyton’s Twitter that Scott and Boston were back together.

Aurora, Kelli, Madison, in unison: SHUT UP!

Savannah: Totally. I talked to Makayla and she told me that Aubree saw them making out by Harper’s locker.

Madison: I always knew they’d get back together. They made such a cute couple. When Philadelphia dumped Scott, and then he started going out with Boston, it just made sense, ya know?

Aurora: Yeah, but what about Craig? Wasn’t Boston going out with him after she broke up with Scott?

Kelli: I think they’re still friends. I mean, Craig’s nice, but Boston can do way better than a LOOGY.

Aurora: Totally.

Madison: Totally.

Savannah, to Kelli: So are you gonna go out with Craig now that he’s single?

Kelli: NO! I mean, I guess he’s cute or whatever…

Savannah: I KNEW IT! You love Craig! You’re gonna have all his babies!

Kelli: No I’m not!

Madison: You guys. Shut up. Here comes Scott.

Scott, walking by the table: Hello.

All Girls: Hiiiiii Scott.

Scott passes.

Aurora, whispering at first: Oh. My. God. He’s so cute. Boston is so lucky. I bet they’ll be together forever.

The bell rings. The girls disperse and walk to their respective classes. Kelli got a B- on her math test, which she found to be totally gay.




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David G. Temple is a systems analyst who writes for FanGraphs, NotGraphs and The Hardball Times. He hosts the award-eligible podcast Stealing Home. He has contributed to The Classical and The Platoon Advantage. Dayn Perry once called him a "Bible Made of Lasers." Follow him on Twitter @davidgtemple.

8 Responses to “The Scott Podsednik Story, as Embellished by 13-Year-Old Girls”

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  1. Old Man says:

    As a middle school teacher, the accuracy of this is slightly disturbing. Don’t let me see your name in the paper under the headline “local blogger cavorts with 13-year old girls,” OK?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Middle School Scott Podsednik says:

    Hey look guys, I have a real mustache. You can see it right?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. Not Roger Clemens says:

    This was entirely unreadable.

    By the way, who was the baseball player that complained on the twittering machine about listening to conversations of teenage girls on the bus or train? It was in a Notgraphs article, but I misplaced it with my rolled up dollars and high stacks of cocaine.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. Toasty says:

    I lol’d. And then had to try and explain this article to my family, who heard me laugh and asked what was so funny.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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