The Source


“You can call me ‘a source close to the family and familiar with the negotiations.'”

The life of a reporter covering Major League Baseball remains a difficult one. Not only has the job of a beat reporter expanded to require several blog posts and newspaper articles in a single day, but today’s scribes must also be ready 24 hours a day to break news. In the desperate race to break stories, they are forced to rely on new, and occasionally unreliable sources.

So it was yesterday that Texas sportswriter Jamie Kelly broke the news that David Murphy was going to sign with the Cleveland Indians, because Murphy’s daughter told everyone at day care she was moving to Cleveland (presumably prompting an tsunami of sympathetic responses and comforting pats on the back).  The news was relayed to Kelly, who told her Twitter followers:

As it turns out, Kelly was absolutely spot on. But this sets a dangerous precedent where ballplayers’ children become not just adorable moppets who get to play on the field with their dads on Sunday, but legitimate sources for breaking news. Already, we’ve seen the following rumors crop up:

  • Justin Morneau’s daughter has told Ken Rosenthal that her daddy is going to sign with the Rockies and he is going to get her a pony for Christmas, because he is the best daddy and doesn’t want to see her cry.
  • Bartolo Colon’s oldest son told Susan Slusser his dad is a cancer in the house, a petty tyrant who refuses to let his boys stay out past 11:00 on the weekends, even though they already did their homework, and that whoever signs his dad needs to throw in a new car so that Bartolo will hand down the 2004 Hyundai Sonata like he promised.
  • According to Ray Ratto, Little Jimmy Woonsocket, Bronson Arroyo’s neighbor, reports that he heard the veteran righty playing what sounded like “I Left My Heart In San Francisco” on the guitar just before he knocked and tried to sell Arroyo some candy bars to help Jimmy’s school afford new playground equipment.
  •  The manager of the Wal-Mart in Monkton, Maryland reached out to Dejan Kovacevic to announce that AJ Burnett has retired from baseball, really wishes he’d taken better care of his money, and has applied to be a greeter.
  • There has been no word yet from Robinson Cano Jr. in the Dominican Republic regarding where his father will play next year. Little Robby’s internet history, however, suggests that he has been downloading photos of Michael Jordan and using his extensive photoshopping skills to put his father’s head on Jordan’s body at the request of Jay-Z.
  • Mail intercepted by Jesse Crain’s postman contains several variations of the following picture:


Click upon to make bigger, as one does on the Internet

Other veteran relievers, seeing how much money Amaro is giving out this offseason, are said to be incredibly upset they didn’t think of this first. More is sure to follow in what has been a wild offseason so far.

In the meantime, Peter Gammons reports all of Steve Garvey’s kids are unable to locate their father, and just want to have a relationship with him, especially around the holidays. In sharp contrast, Carson Cistulli’s illegitimate children are urging him to remain in France.

Please, if you have heard any other rumors, share them below and bring glory to your ancestors and NotGraphs.

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Mike Bates used to have a stupid pseudonym. Now he doesn't because people want to pay him to write about baseball on the Internet and he's really a sell out that way. He is also a Designated Columnist at SBNation, co-founder of The Platoon Advantage, and is an American Carpetbagger on Getting Blanked, the finest in Canadian baseball-type sites. His favorite word is paradigm. Follow him on Twitter here:

9 Responses to “The Source”

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  1. SecondHandStore says:

    Bah! This has naught to do with Highlander: The Source!

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  2. Emlazar says:

    Uncle Ruben haha

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  3. Caveman Jones says:

    Methinks you meant muppets?

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  4. dgruss says:

    There is no Wal-Mart in Monkton! Sources lie!

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  5. A eskpert says:


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  6. tz says:

    “Colon Cancer In The House”

    Sounds like a ready-made AJC headline to me.

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  7. The Return of Rambo Diaz says:

    Heard that Marc Topkin spoke with Raul Ibanez’s grandchildren who said he’s finally ready to retire in Tampa Bay.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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