The Thoughts Joe Blanton Is Thinking

Joe Blanton is both (a) a pretty good, probably underrated, major-league pitcher (averaging 2.9 WAR per season over his six-year career) and (b) not as talented as his Phillie rotation mates. It’s the latter of these points that makes for the slightly awkward SI cover pictured here.

Perhaps it’s my imagination, but there appears to be a second distinction between Blanton and his teammates — namely, the ability (or lack thereof) to express a cohesive message visually.

Using the part of the human brain designed to read facial expressions, one gets a pretty clear sense of what four of the pictured pitchers is trying to say here, as follows:

Roy Halladay: [In a German accent, if possible] Weakness repulses me.

Cliff Lee: I’m staring into the sunshine of my talent.

Roy Oswalt: Were circumstance to dictate that I hunt for my own food, this wouldn’t be any sort of a problem.

Cole Hamels: Not until you’ve holstered your gun, sir.

Joe Blanton, though? It’s not clear. If one sees his expression, it’s only through a glass, darkly. What, Joe, is going on in those eyes of yours? What language is it that your goatee speaks?

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Carson Cistulli occasionally publishes spirited ejaculations at The New Enthusiast.

24 Responses to “The Thoughts Joe Blanton Is Thinking”

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  1. TravisReitsma says:

    I think his face is saying “I think one of the Roys just farted.” It couldn’t have been Halladay though, considering robots (even convincingly humanoid ones) don’t fart.

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  2. Jason Catania says:

    Blanton: Wait, you ARE Photoshopping me into the picture, right?

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  3. Rick says:

    “I have to appear tough so they don’t kick me out”

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  4. Zach Sanders says:

    Blanton: I know where you live, so you better not trade me.

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  5. TheMooseOfDeath says:

    I can imagine that he accidentally walked in on the photo shoot, and the others just didn’t have the heart to tell him he wasn’t invited. Of course, this would assume that, in his spare time, Joe Blanton casually walks in on photo shoots (and is ALWAYS in his uniform), but I am comfortable accepting that as reality.

    As for his thoughts: “Hey, what’s going on in here guys? Is that a camera?” **CLICK**

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    • steex says:

      “Of course, this would assume that, in his spare time, Joe Blanton casually walks in on photo shoots (and is ALWAYS in his uniform), but I am comfortable accepting that as reality.”

      This smells of a new Joe West-like series to me…

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  6. Patrick says:

    “Do I have eyebrow mites? And are they the ones that are helpful, and eat bacteria and skin cells and stuff, or do they just crawl around in there? Am I supposed to feel them crawling, like how you can see those little spots on your eyeball when you’re not looking at anything? Maybe I should hit a CVS on my way home tonight.”

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  7. Dan says:

    Blanton: “I am going to PULVERIZE that Chinese buffet…”

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  8. Zach says:

    Blanton: You cannot see it, but I definitely have my pant legs tucked into my socks. None of these other chumps can claim *that*.

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  9. Brandonkey says:

    Blanton: Hopefully they’ll hide my face behind the Sports Illustrated logo.

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  10. Matt Defalco says:

    “If I get talked about in one more baseball analysis article…”

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  11. hunterfan says:

    Hard to believe, Harry.

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  12. MikeM says:

    Blanton: Man, I hope this douchebag facial hair is doing its job of covering up my double chin.

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  13. JR says:

    Clearly Joe Blanton is looking at pizza.

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  14. Xenophanes says:

    Blanton: HAH! Now they HAVE to give me a rotation spot.

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  15. Paul says:

    For some reason this picture reminds me of an old band picture of the Beach Boys.
    Halladay would be Brian, Oswalt Carl, Lee Dennis, Cole Mike, and Blanton Al Jardine.

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    • craigws says:

      blanton should then have some knowledge of how to boogaloo it.
      that should stand him in good stead as the season goes on.

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  16. filihok says:

    Blanton: Why am I suddenly thinking about Sesame Street?

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  17. e-fellow says:

    And yet Joe Blanton may go 13-6 going against other teams’ 5th starters while Oswalt and Hamels go 12-10, which will lead Fox and TBS announcers to say 50 times in the fall that the Phillies left their third winningest pitcher off the postseason roster.

    In the sense that he is the 5th starter, Blanton does belong in the pic.

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    • The Hit Dog says:

      Are you implying that Joe Blanton will somehow, by almost utter coincidence, get at least 19 of his 30-something starts against other teams’ fifth starters? I would ask you to reconsider if so.

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  18. glassSheets says:

    “I wish I could make a living riding my Harley around Iowa”

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  19. Ethan D says:

    He is hoping that no one notices and realizes that he is in fact, Joe Blanton

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  20. Dayn Perry says:

    “I’m one of two guys in this picture who has a ring.”

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