The Thoughts Joe Blanton Is Thinking

Joe Blanton is both (a) a pretty good, probably underrated, major-league pitcher (averaging 2.9 WAR per season over his six-year career) and (b) not as talented as his Phillie rotation mates. It’s the latter of these points that makes for the slightly awkward SI cover pictured here.

Perhaps it’s my imagination, but there appears to be a second distinction between Blanton and his teammates — namely, the ability (or lack thereof) to express a cohesive message visually.

Using the part of the human brain designed to read facial expressions, one gets a pretty clear sense of what four of the pictured pitchers is trying to say here, as follows:

Roy Halladay: [In a German accent, if possible] Weakness repulses me.

Cliff Lee: I’m staring into the sunshine of my talent.

Roy Oswalt: Were circumstance to dictate that I hunt for my own food, this wouldn’t be any sort of a problem.

Cole Hamels: Not until you’ve holstered your gun, sir.

Joe Blanton, though? It’s not clear. If one sees his expression, it’s only through a glass, darkly. What, Joe, is going on in those eyes of yours? What language is it that your goatee speaks?



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Carson Cistulli has just published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.


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TravisReitsma
Member
TravisReitsma

I think his face is saying “I think one of the Roys just farted.” It couldn’t have been Halladay though, considering robots (even convincingly humanoid ones) don’t fart.

Jason Catania
Member
Member
Jason Catania

Blanton: Wait, you ARE Photoshopping me into the picture, right?

Rick
Guest
Rick

“I have to appear tough so they don’t kick me out”

Zach Sanders
Member
Member

Blanton: I know where you live, so you better not trade me.

TheMooseOfDeath
Guest
TheMooseOfDeath

I can imagine that he accidentally walked in on the photo shoot, and the others just didn’t have the heart to tell him he wasn’t invited. Of course, this would assume that, in his spare time, Joe Blanton casually walks in on photo shoots (and is ALWAYS in his uniform), but I am comfortable accepting that as reality.

As for his thoughts: “Hey, what’s going on in here guys? Is that a camera?” **CLICK**

steex
Member
steex

“Of course, this would assume that, in his spare time, Joe Blanton casually walks in on photo shoots (and is ALWAYS in his uniform), but I am comfortable accepting that as reality.”

This smells of a new Joe West-like series to me…

Patrick
Guest

“Do I have eyebrow mites? And are they the ones that are helpful, and eat bacteria and skin cells and stuff, or do they just crawl around in there? Am I supposed to feel them crawling, like how you can see those little spots on your eyeball when you’re not looking at anything? Maybe I should hit a CVS on my way home tonight.”

Dan
Guest
Dan

Blanton: “I am going to PULVERIZE that Chinese buffet…”

Zach
Guest
Zach

Blanton: You cannot see it, but I definitely have my pant legs tucked into my socks. None of these other chumps can claim *that*.

Brandonkey
Member
Brandonkey

Blanton: Hopefully they’ll hide my face behind the Sports Illustrated logo.

Matt Defalco
Guest
Matt Defalco

“If I get talked about in one more baseball analysis article…”

hunterfan
Guest
hunterfan

Hard to believe, Harry.

MikeM
Guest
MikeM

Blanton: Man, I hope this douchebag facial hair is doing its job of covering up my double chin.

JR
Guest
JR

Clearly Joe Blanton is looking at pizza.

Kirkwood
Member
Kirkwood

Blanton: HAH! Now they HAVE to give me a rotation spot.

Paul
Guest
Paul

For some reason this picture reminds me of an old band picture of the Beach Boys.
Halladay would be Brian, Oswalt Carl, Lee Dennis, Cole Mike, and Blanton Al Jardine.

craigws
Member
craigws

blanton should then have some knowledge of how to boogaloo it.
that should stand him in good stead as the season goes on.

filihok
Guest

Blanton: Why am I suddenly thinking about Sesame Street?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZIvgQ9ik48

The Common Man
Guest

Porkchops!

e-fellow
Guest
e-fellow

And yet Joe Blanton may go 13-6 going against other teams’ 5th starters while Oswalt and Hamels go 12-10, which will lead Fox and TBS announcers to say 50 times in the fall that the Phillies left their third winningest pitcher off the postseason roster.

In the sense that he is the 5th starter, Blanton does belong in the pic.

The Hit Dog
Guest
The Hit Dog

Are you implying that Joe Blanton will somehow, by almost utter coincidence, get at least 19 of his 30-something starts against other teams’ fifth starters? I would ask you to reconsider if so.

glassSheets
Member
glassSheets

“I wish I could make a living riding my Harley around Iowa”

Ethan D
Guest
Ethan D

He is hoping that no one notices and realizes that he is in fact, Joe Blanton

Dayn Perry
Editor
Member

“I’m one of two guys in this picture who has a ring.”

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