A Rays Fan and Royals Fan Discuss Wil Myers Rationally

A Rays Fan and a Royals Fan debate.

RAYS FAN: Myers is totally ready. It’s a travesty he’s been in the minors for this long. He’s going to get a hit every time up and help the Rays win the World Series.

ROYALS FAN: Whatever, I’m sure he sucks, because everyone the Royals touch ends up sucking.

RAYS FAN: Wait, I thought you were a Royals fan.

ROYALS FAN: I am, but what that means in the 21st century is simply embracing the reality that nothing good will ever happen for us ever again.

RAYS FAN: But James Shields is having an awesome season.

ROYALS FAN: James Shields is two weeks away from breaking his arms and legs.

RAYS FAN: And you have some solid relievers.

ROYALS FAN: Oh boy. Start carving our names in that trophy.

RAYS FAN: Wil Myers is going to be awesome.

ROYALS FAN: Wil Myers would have been awesome if we hadn’t drafted him. We plant chips inside all of our prospects’ heads so that as soon as they’re exposed to a hundred at bats of major league pitching they wilt and die. We’ve been developing this technology for a while — Bob Hamelin was the first test case — but now with Hosmer and Moustakas, we’ve really perfected it.

RAYS FAN: What about Salvador Perez? He’s still pretty good. And Alex Gordon eventually learned how to hit.

ROYALS FAN: Gordon’s chip was made with outdated technology — it wore out. Was supposed to last his entire career, but after a few years it just stopped working, and then he accidentally became good. It’s crazy. Salvador Perez damaged his chip one of the four million times he’s been injured. Don’t worry, he’ll get injured again. And again.

RAYS FAN: I don’t think you’re right about Myers. I think he’s going to hit 300 homers this season.

ROYALS FAN: That is an absurd number of homers.

RAYS FAN: No, it’s the same number of homers Rotoworld accidentally said Torii Hunter has hit this year.

ROYALS FAN: No, I don’t think Myers is going to hit any homers. He has been damaged by his exposure to our cosmic rays.

RAYS FAN: Your cosmic Rays?

ROYALS FAN: No, our cosmic rays of destruction. Did you see Wade Davis had an okay start yesterday?

RAYS FAN: Yes. Wade Davis will be fine. We implanted our chip of goodness inside his head. It overrides your chip of death.

ROYALS FAN: Too bad James Shields is accidentally going to break Wade Davis’s arms and legs in the massacre.

RAYS FAN: Yes. Too bad.

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

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I fully endorse this conversation.


Thanks Mr. Blachman, you’ve pegged us Royals fans perfectly. We’re perpetual victims, we can’t let go of the past…we’re like the Red Sox fans without the benefits of ESPN bias.

You are correct, all this will definitely happen.

Mr. Observant Loves Takeout
Mr. Observant Loves Takeout

This was, is and will be a hilarious post. Very well done. My only living wish left is to see the arms and legs massacre to come at Kauffman Stadium.

Torii Hunter
Torii Hunter

Too bad Angel Hernandez was ump for 297 of those homers…