There is no ballplayer named Ptolemy Beans Doogan-Beans

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There is no ballplayer named Ptolemy Beans Doogan-Beans.

The urchin will sell no more newspapers.

The gentleman, otherwise fulfilled in his life and work, will soon be known to all as “patient zero.”

The archbishop now doubts his own certainties.

The wife looks up from the dishes and knows at once she cherishes nothing.

The man sits at the formica table and stares. He is waiting for the gloaming to advance across the yard.

What else is he to do?

She attributes the awful thing the boy said to the caprices of youth. He will say it to her again in 20 years.

The man rises for work each morning in the same way that the tides are yoked to the moon.

At this one moment, all across what was Gaul no one is making love. Not even her.

The wine has turned.

At the market, he thought for a moment he saw his dead father. He knew then he would not mail the letter.

He maintains the affair because it is a different drudgery.

She decides to tell her grandfather that she’s heard all his stories before.

Look at your own face: Are you not a Walker Evans subject?

At the tavern, it is late, and all the glasses are empty.

For there is no ballplayer named Ptolemy Beans Doogan-Beans.

Alive or dead, there is no Ptolemy Beans Doogan-Beans.




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


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mattc
Guest
mattc
3 years 6 months ago

I have seen the eternal footman hold my coat, and snicker…

MikeP
Guest
MikeP
3 years 6 months ago

There is no ballplayer named Ptolemy Beans Doogan-Beans… yet.

Bradley Woodrum
Member
Member
3 years 6 months ago

*stands*

I shall be Ptolemy Beans Doogan-Beans.

Stuck in a Slump
Guest
Stuck in a Slump
3 years 6 months ago

And he’ll be rocking the most recognizable facial hair since Rollie Fingers!

Parmenides
Guest
Parmenides
3 years 6 months ago

Surely when you use a name is must be in reference to *some object*, as thought and language require objects outside of themselves. Therefore, whatever can be thought or spoken of must exist at all times.

We can only conclude, I am sure, that Ptolemy Beans Doogan-Beans does indeed exist.

Edmund Husserl
Guest
Edmund Husserl
3 years 6 months ago

The intentional object (PBD-B…) of my intentional act (thinking about PBD-B) only need exist within said intentionality, not both the natural world and my thoughts. To imply the existence of Ptolemy Beans Doogan-Beans is nonsense.

Maverick Squad
Guest
Maverick Squad
3 years 6 months ago

What would’ve happened if the search had a returned a positive match on Ptolemy Beans Doogan-Beans? Would the author had reitred from journalism, maybe even life?

Mr. Observant
Guest
Mr. Observant
3 years 6 months ago

Methinks you need to engage a human female in coitus interruptus immediately. Too gloomy, too gloomy…

Mr. Correction
Guest
Mr. Correction
3 years 6 months ago

Coitus Interuptus? The author needs to engage in a form of birth control? His obvious lack of coitus not enough for you?

Mr. Observant
Guest
Mr. Observant
3 years 6 months ago

Hey, it’s just another way for him to stick it to the Pope and flout the dictates of Mother Church. What, you wanna fight me, shirtless and in the streets girt only in your Wrangler denim trousers or what?

Maverick Squad
Guest
Maverick Squad
3 years 6 months ago

Perry- the reason nothing came up is that you spelled it wrong- it’s Ptolemy Beans Dugan-Beans – idiot.

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