Things I Learned in Arizona

David Appelman’s feet at any given moment.

This past weekend I had the pleasure of spending three days and two nights in the American desert with, like, 17 fellow FanGraphs writers. You learn a lot about people when you’re forced to share rooms with them, squeeze each other into a Ford Taurus, and watch Yoenis Cespedes profess his love for Castro by launching bombs into orbit together. The dignity-less Dayn Perry already told you everything you need to know about our dark overlord David Appelman, but here’s some amazing (and mostly true) facts about the rest of the staff…

Dave Cameron — Totally not above bringing up the whole cancer thing to get people to agree with him during an argument.

Michael Barr — Currently taking a break from his lucrative career as a Calvin Klein model to write about baseball.

Dayn Perry — Incapable of feeling shame, Dayn is eagerly awaiting the next time his wife says “I suppose we could.”

Robert Sanchez — The senior editor at FanGraphs, Robert is a name-dropper extraordinaire. After he tells you about the time he was supposed to go house-hunting with Allen Iverson (but got stood up), ask him what it was like to share a luxury box with early-90s hip hop sensation Tag Team.

Paul Swydan — Paul has an issue opening doors, particularly small glass ones that lead to the pool area. Luckily a nice elderly woman helped him out and no one was harmed.

Chris Cwik — It’s a 20 mustache tool, but Cwik wears it with aplomb.

Jeff Zimmerman — I’m actually going to lay off Zim, only because we might end up sharing a room again next year. Jeff’s an upstanding gentleman who pays his debts on time and tips an extra 10% on top of the already included 18%.

Jack Moore — Jack goes by Jackie Peanuts these days, though he insists on Jackie Brackets during March.

Carson Cistulli — Everyone’s favorite baseball-loving hipster showed some serious heart by making a play on an Eric Sogard foul ball at Salt River Fields. The ball clanked off his hands, but I give him credit for the quick recovery and pouncing on the ball before various small children.

Wendy Thurm — The mother hen at FanGraphs, Wendy took care of us slackers by providing sunscreen, snacks, and even the occasional talk about the birds and the bees (mostly with Carson).

J.P. Breen — Much to my dismay, Breen is pretty much a completely normal dude. It would be cooler if he was a traveling salesman, but alas, he just trains them.

Mike Newman — Openly admits to liking the band Lit. Also claims the Wu-Tang Clan is overrated and I think he might have a crush on Michael Barr.

Matt Klaassen — Didn’t make the trip because the federales wouldn’t let him into the country, or something like that.

Jason Roberts — The self-proclaimed “most refined man from rural Alabama.” That pretty much says it all.

Alex Remington — The best old-time announcer voice you’re ever going to hear. It’ll be on the site at some point and is amazing.

Eno Sarris — Eno’s master plan was to get everyone drunk during our staff ottoneu league auction — with bacon beer no less — but it horribly backfired. Also the head honcho of room 322, where the players dwell.

Bradley Woodrum — Successfully pulls off a combination of Eric Byrnes‘ energy level with Rollie Fingers‘ mustache. Also has a knack for sticking cameras in faces.

Mike Axisa — Living proof that “we’re all gonna go dateless” isn’t just an internet meme, it’s company policy at FanGraphs.

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Mike writes about the Yankees at River Ave. Blues and baseball in general at CBS Sports.

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Hahahaha. Lit.