Things My Eight-Month-Old Son Was Thinking During Tim Lincecum’s No-Hitter

“I bet there’s something good on TV. Maybe if I make enough noise during this so-called nap, my daddy will get me out of the crib, take me into the living room, and turn on the television to watch a baseball game thinking my eyes are closed and I can’t see it.”

“Looking at the wall is really interesting. I can’t imagine anything would be more interesting, including the second no-hitter against the Padres thrown by Tim Lincecum.”

“Tim… hmmmm… I wonder if he’s related to my stuffed monkey, Thelonious, since both of their names start with that shape with the one up-and-down line and then the other side-to-side line on top of it. I also wonder why mommy and daddy named my monkey Thelonious even though they don’t really listen to any jazz music. I wonder if I’d like jazz. I think I would.”

“This is weird for a west coast baseball game to start in the evening, before I get ready for bed. West coast baseball games usually start so early in the morning, before I’ve even woken up for my first of three feeds while it’s still dark outside. What? You call 10pm the nighttime and not the morning? That’s silly, everyone knows nighttime is from 7pm until 10pm, and everything after that is daytime and mommy and daddy are lucky if I still decide to sleep.”

“The Giants, wow. They are giants, indeed. They’re even taller than mommy and daddy, and mommy and daddy are even taller than Curious George, so they’re definitely giants. I didn’t even know people came in sizes bigger than, say, five-foot-nine or so. I don’t know if I’ve ever met anyone taller than five-foot-nine!”

“I bet I could get a hit off Tim Lincecum. Hitting a baseball is just like putting your toes in your mouth, right? Because I’m really good at that.”

“I can’t believe he’s throwing so many fastballs. Everyone knows Will Venable is more vulnerable to the curveball.”

“I wonder what the infield dirt tastes like.”




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


14 Responses to “Things My Eight-Month-Old Son Was Thinking During Tim Lincecum’s No-Hitter”

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  1. Kumar Plocher says:

    Am I the only one saddened by this being the only article on this feat?

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    • tz says:

      Let’s see…..West Coast time: Game was actually in afternoon

      World Cup: No big game in USA

      Everyone’s forgotten about Tim Lincecum: It almost appears that way. Which is odd, considering that even a middle-of-the-road Tim Lincecum is still one of baseball’s all-time characters.

      {P.S. Jeremy – do NOT over-indulge your son by letting him walk barefoot in the infield dirt. His expectations of you will actually get worse than they are now, if that’s even imaginable}

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  2. Roger says:

    Unbelievable. A no-hitter against MLB players – even the Padres – and Fangraphs chooses to ignore it? What a f-ing joke of a baseball website.

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    • Kumar Plocher says:

      Not only that. There’s a lot of amazing history in this one. Tim and Sandy Koufax are the only pitchers EVER to have 2 CYs, 2 WS rings, and 2 no-nos, for instance. Also, the fact that he’s only the second player to ever no-hit the same team twice and the last time was like 100 years ago. Nevermind the two no-hitters in two years angle. Statistically, many of these things are nigh impossible.

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      • SurprMan says:

        And he was the only one two have 2 no-hitters and be named “Tim”! and to have 2-no hitters and one of them be in the year 2014! And…etc.

        In other words, those aren’t stats that lend themselves to any sort of advanced or meaningful analysis; those are interesting coincidences, which are what Jayson Stark was created for, so read his stuff if that’s all you want.

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    • Simon says:

      Uhh… This is FanGraphs, not ESPN. No-hitters aren’t actually that special, unless you’re looking for a narrative. Remember: a pitcher’s job is to get outs, not prevent hits.

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    • Oilers21 says:

      I find this site tends to delve deeper into things you may not find on more traditional baseball sites. If you just want to read about the no-hitter, you might be better served by The Score or ESPN. If you want in-depth statistical analysis, or info about your favourite fringe prospect, or a live chat with a fantasy slant, this is your place

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    • Fred says:

      To be fair they did end up doing the “When Tim Lincecum is Still Tim Lincecum” on Fox. I think it’s fair to give them a couple days to write their stories like this anyway what with everything else they’ll mention several days to a week later.

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  3. Roger says:

    How about an analysis of no hitters? FG is not ESPN, thankfully, but that is an incredibly low bar. I would think that FG writers might have an interest in,say, comparing game scores of no hitters or placing no hitters into context given opponents line-ups.

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    • Roger says:

      Sorry. Meant to reply to Simon.

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      • Nathan says:

        Luckily that’s no big loss, as Simon appears to be quite the douchebag. Apparently no feat is historic as nothing is a feat. Baseball must REALLY be absurdly boring to some people that are set in making it that way.

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        • bobbybonilla says:

          Nope, Simon is right. You people are idiots. There is nothing interesting about a no hitter. Old Timmy was much more interesting than new no-hit Timmy.

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