Things That Are Free at Tonight’s Minnesota Twins Game

As the tweet embedded here suggests, the Minnesota Twins — owing to the frigid weather hovering above their home ballpark — will be giving away free coffee and hot chocolate to attendees at tonight’s game versus the New York Mets.

What that same tweet neglects to note, however, are some other things that (a) are free, and which might (b) also appeal to ticketholders for this evening’s contest.

Like these three things, for example:

North–Central American English
Are you a professional linguist? Have you ever referred to yourself, in passing, as an “Armchair phonologist”? Are you interested in studying an /oʊ/ sound that is sometimes monophthongal and sometimes features a lengthening from [o] to [o:]? If that’s the case, consider attending tonight’s Minnesota Twins game, where the North–Central American English dialect will be ubiquitous — and free of charge.

Lutherans
It’s easy, in many regions of this country, to walk the streets of one’s own city for a lifetime without ever making the acquaintance of a single Lutheran person. Such a thing is impossible to do in Minneapolis, however. Perhaps you’re curious about Martin Luther’s 95 Theses, or the theological virtues of grace (as opposed to works). Basically everyone at Target Field tonight will have at least a passing knowledge of those topics — and others central to the Lutheran experience.

Chilblains
Chilblains is a medical condition affecting (primarily, if not exclusively) the toes that’s caused by repeated exposure to cold. The author concedes that, in itself, the description isn’t a rousing endorsement. More charming is this: literally every English-language novel before the 20th century cites chilblains at some point or another. To suffer from chilblains, therefore, is to participate in the Western literary tradition. Conversely, not to suffer from chilblains at least once is to reject literacy and science and The Good.




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Carson Cistulli has just published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.


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Mike Bates
Member
3 years 5 months ago

Also: despair is free and in full supply.

Robert J. Baumann
Member
Member
3 years 5 months ago

I am proud to say, as a northern-ish midwesterner, that I suffered through my first bout with chilblains this winter. Still not over it, in fact.

Simon
Guest
Simon
3 years 5 months ago

Yes! Linguistics and baseball! I never thought I would see IPA in a fangraphs article. Thanks, CC!

bertrecords
Member
bertrecords
3 years 5 months ago

The oppressive PR/media blitz/brain blanking campaign that brought outdoor baseball to the Arctic and made the owner so rich that he died from shame has been exposed. Being able to say what was obvious to all free thinking people brings exhilaration.

“I told you so” is now said publicly.

— A Metrodome, but not Target Field, season ticket holder

Jaack
Guest
Jaack
3 years 5 months ago

Is it just me, or would the 95 Theses be a decent minor league team name.

Bryz
Guest
3 years 5 months ago

Fun fact: The temperature is virtually the same tonight as it was for Opening Day at Target Field. Opening Day did not provide free hot chocolate and coffee.

Snow (and a tiny crowd) can be a powerful thing.

Jack
Guest
Jack
3 years 5 months ago

Was there perhaps a delegation from Mist County there last night?

Will H.
Guest
Will H.
3 years 5 months ago

Also in 19th century literature was “brain fever,” though I don’t know what that really is. But it seemed to come about due to some emotional event and then killed you (but in a medical way). Discuss.

JT
Guest
JT
3 years 5 months ago

Minnesota wonders why it left that dome thingy that keeps the snow out

Matt
Guest
Matt
3 years 5 months ago

That ubiquitous North-Cistulli American English on offer clearly has a different definition of ‘literally’. I am hoping for Joe Mauer to rediscover his power and literally hit a moonshot HR, and get the space program back on track.

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