Things We Now Know about Kenny Williams

If you prefer your news to be five days old, then you’ll be gobsmacked to learn that White Sox GM Kenny Williams had his posh Chicago townhouse robbed and violated recently. This of course sounds like bad news, but thanks to the efforts of a certain plucky urchin we’ve learned a few things about Mr. Williams. To damn wit:

  • Mr. Kenny Williams drinks beer.
  • Mr. Kenny Williams enjoys the occasional lobster dinner, and, yes, you may box that up for him.
  • Mr. Kenny Williams owns a fur.
  • Mr. Kenny Williams drives a Cadillac.
  • Mr. Kenny Williams owns a fur and drives a Cadillac.
  • Mr. Kenny Williams will wear a championship ring even if it has recently been worn by a smelly hobo.
  • Mr. Kenny Williams does not have a record of “sexual abuse charges dating to the 1980s,” but SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN IN HIS HOUSE DOES.

The great Bill Veeck had a habit of referring to front-office execs as “operators.” In light of this and those, you may now regard Mr. Kenny Williams as a “smooth operator.”




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6 Responses to “Things We Now Know about Kenny Williams”

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  1. Yirmiyahu says:

    In contrast to these revelations about his suave lifestyle is the fact that he’s supposedly had a PB&J sandwich for lunch every day since becoming GM.

    Kenny Williams, that is. Not the homeless dude.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. reillocity says:

    [OK, so I just had to take a few minor creative liberties with the linked story...]

    Williams, who was with his father, took a closer look around and discovered that someone had been lying in his bed. Drinking his beer and eating his pizza, too. And someone had defrosted his lobster … and the oven was still hot.

    Williams called the cops, and detectives made an interesting discovery — a hospital ID bracelet, authorities said.

    As police continued their investigation, a man with unkempt hair and wearing a fur peeked through the townhouse window. An officer asked his name.

    “Adam Troy Dunn” the man said, and police arrested him.

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