This Meatloaf Shall Suffer Adam Jones’s Godlike Hunger

Not so long ago, Adam Jones sounded his conch and let all know that something was about to happen …


As philosopher-kings and tribal warlords alike have told us via oral tradition, there is eating and then there is blood-flesh intake as sating ritual of conquest. So it is with Adam Jones.

If warrior-poet Adam Jones returns to base camp at one o’clock in the morning and announces that he shall smash the loaf of a hoofed beast, then the village elders and virgins shall prepare him what he wants.

Then he shall use his implement of war to eat the brick of entrails before him …

Conqueror and Meat

Do not eat. Rather, you should enter into a blood-pact with one’s food. Challenge one’s food to pick up crude tools and swing and thrust and stab at one another astride the glimmering embers of the campfire. The others look on, but they hold back owing to the primordial laws of combat. They dare not intercede.

The food is defeated, but only after the warrior-poet’s skin is peeled back and the nerves that snake through his organs are struck by hurled thunderbolts of a lesser god and then singed to the point of reckoning. Only then are ruins of the man reassembled to form a turret mightier than the one that nearly fell in the food-battle just completed.

When a remade man like Adam Jones looks up from his defeated and pacified platter, he gives off an odor that is at once a the smell of a pumice stone, the smell of ribbons of moonlight through forest canopy and the smell of a dead viking’s last sex act being devoured by gray wolves.

Know that it is because of Adam Jones and Eric Young Jr. before him that there is now a NotGraphs category called Regeneration-Through-Violence Food Consumption.




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


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ericreining
Guest
ericreining
2 years 9 months ago

Tell me more of this village inhabited by elders and virgins …

MikeS
Guest
MikeS
2 years 9 months ago

That looks like some damn fine meatloaf. Maybe a bit heavy on the ketchup (BBQ sauce? that would be better) but I like the free form, not in a pan, cooked on a rack method being employed. Allows the fat to drain away and gets you more crusty outside. As long as the inside is not overcooked to dryness, this is a 5 or 6 WAR loaf. The cheese adjustment is worth at least a full win on it’s own.

Matt
Guest
Matt
2 years 9 months ago

It’s nothing to do with food, Adam Jones is a secret roleplayer, and was about to participate in some Fight Club LARPing. Or possibly Rocky Horror.

Benzedrine
Guest
Benzedrine
2 years 9 months ago

In this category, Travis Snider is probably Thor or something.

Mike Green
Guest
Mike Green
2 years 9 months ago

Geez, I thought that a Paradise by the Dashboard Light 45 was going to meet its end at home plate in Baltimore, with Adam holding up a sign “Disco is back”.

Mike
Guest
Mike
2 years 9 months ago

Fun post, but man, you need to lay off the Game of Thrones for a while.

frivoflava29
Member
frivoflava29
2 years 9 months ago

American Meatloaf starring Adam Jones

tz
Guest
tz
2 years 9 months ago

I would do anything for a post-game spread, but I won’t do that.

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