This Weblog Will Expire in Three Months

Inventor of the essay and non-stop Frenchman Michel de Montaigne argues within his ample works that a necessary condition for experiencing real pleasure is the certain knowledge that one must eventually die. Without acknowledging the end of a thing, one is necessarily haunted by the inevitability of that end. But by recognizing death as fact, the reality of the present moment can be enjoyed without reservation.

Nor is this summary of Montaigne’s work merely an attempt by the present author to exhibit for everyone his Wide Reading. Rather, it serves as some context for the the following announcement — namely that, approximately three months from now, all contributors to NotGraphs.com will cease contributing to same and that the site will remain frozen in its then-current state until the end of time.

There are multiple reasons why this happening. The main one, though — and certainly the one which reflects best on the present author — is that high-powered business executive David Appelman originally offered NotGraphs to me as an experiment. It’s my opinion now that, after four years of perpetual whimsy, that the experiment has been conducted as thoroughly as it ever could be under my (occasionally useful, frequently incompetent) direction. As a result, I think it makes sense to allow room for other projects to take shape at the site.

As for when NotGraphs will shuffle off these electronic pages, Appelman has agreed to a slightly unusual (and, I think, maybe compelling) exit strategy — namely, that the site’s contributors might continue publishing without interruption until the last out of the last game of this year’s World Series. This adds a sort of pleasant suspense, I’d submit, to what might otherwise be just a sad, dumb death like most all other deaths.

More updates along these lines will likely appear in the near or less-near future. In the meantime, however, the reader should expect these pages to contain a celebration simultaneously of the Pastime and leisure.




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Carson Cistulli occasionally publishes spirited ejaculations at The New Enthusiast.


195 Responses to “This Weblog Will Expire in Three Months”

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  1. tonya says:

    boo! I love NotGraphs.

    +149 Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Yirmiyahu says:

      What shall happen to the contributors? Will they file for unemployment? Will they form the world’s worst barnstorming baseball team? Will they all return to the squalid corners of the internet from whence they came? Will they rise up, united, and form their own website called Fuckgraphs? Will Carson continue to hold them in his Mom’s basement as sex slaves against their wills? Will they quietly to their own parents’ basements to play video games and fantasy baseball, never to be heard from again?

      The possibilities are endless.

      +38 Vote -1 Vote +1

    • K'NAAN says:

      Fangraphs bringing me to my knees

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0E3c-X86Y6o

      Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Comedy Expert says:

    Good.

    -51 Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. In any of his works, did Montaigne bother to discuss what becomes of a crushed soul? I’d find this most helpful at present, as I’m attempting to sort out what will become of mine (crushed soul).

    +12 Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. Chico's Bail Bonds says:

    So should we expect our baseball related whimsy to appear on one of the other, more socially acceptable, ____graphs sites located adjacent to these very pages?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. InAlAlAlAlbuquerque says:

    Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. :(

    +31 Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. Burton Cummings says:

    Well, much to my surprise, I’m still alive years after Fire Joe Morgan left the building …

    +12 Vote -1 Vote +1

  7. Mike Bates says:

    More than anything else, I am sad that I’m not the one who killed NotGraphs. I tried (and will keep trying) so very hard.

    +27 Vote -1 Vote +1

    • TimothyS says:

      At first this upset me quite a lot. But I realized this would give all NotGraphs authors even more license to push the envelope until the whole ship goes down in flames, and I got a little bit excited.

      +11 Vote -1 Vote +1

  8. dang says:

    This is the only place that I can get baseball/sabermetrics humor and I will certainly die with the site

    or be upset to a degree. Small, large, only time will tell. But I will be upset.

    +31 Vote -1 Vote +1

  9. Ruben Amaro Jr. says:

    You’re taking away the only part of this whole damn website that I understand

    +135 Vote -1 Vote +1

  10. Charlie says:

    Damnit. This is all Jeff Sullivan’s fault.

    +6 Vote -1 Vote +1

  11. Kenny Ocker says:

    Designating Notgraphs for assignment 10 days before the trade deadline? Interesting choice, Saber Wizards. Interesting choice.

    +42 Vote -1 Vote +1

  12. I don't care what anyone says:

    #KeepNotGraphs

    +106 Vote -1 Vote +1

  13. Paul says:

    I’m assuming NotGraphs is dying so its clearly superior site, BanknotesHarperGraphs, can reign king. Or at least I’m hoping.

    +35 Vote -1 Vote +1

  14. cavebird says:

    Either this is very sad, or a well played joke. If it is the latter, bravo! If it is the former, well boo. My fantasy teams shouldn’t be the only jokes in baseball. If space is the issue, can’t it be snuck into a small corner of the website?

    +9 Vote -1 Vote +1

  15. Wobatus says:

    I’d argue, pace Montaigne, that the knowledge of one’s impending nothingness is more a buzz-kill than an enabler of the experience of real pleasure.

    Or, as Woody Allen says, I hope eternal recurrence doesn’t mean I’m gonna have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

    +6 Vote -1 Vote +1

  16. John Elway says:

    NEIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    +78 Vote -1 Vote +1

  17. Lenard says:

    #SixSeasonsAndAMovie

    +36 Vote -1 Vote +1

  18. Pseu says:

    This is all Jeff Garlin’s fault, isn’t it?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • fish says:

      Like an obese butterfly flapping his wings and causing a hurricane thousands of miles away, Jeff Garlin’s breaking of Rob Neyer’s heart has, also, secondarily, broken the internet entirely.

      +6 Vote -1 Vote +1

  19. Billy Zane says:

    As long as the esteemed author still possesses ample opportunity to exhibit his Wide Reading for an equally Wide Audience, we can weather this sad dumb death while we await our own.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  20. James Cameron says:

    Titanic mistake.

    +65 Vote -1 Vote +1

  21. AK7007 says:

    We’ve clicked on so much of your whimsy based click bait, and trafficked the traffic out of this very site – why would you plot to abandon us now? Who will I anonymously email .gif images of great baseball events to for public reverence now? Tell me these answers!

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  22. Gabe says:

    But where will we come for MLB Fade Rumors?

    +9 Vote -1 Vote +1

  23. speechless says:

    `

    +69 Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Canuck says:

      Typical NotGraphs, Left Bank, Paris intellectual, Cahiers du Cinema, Jules et Jim, Montaigneish comment. ^^^

      Vote -1 Vote +1

  24. AC says:

    On the same day we find out God will not, in fact, be writing for NotGraphs. And they say one author doesn’t make or break a site.

    NotGraphs is going away, and it’s all God’s fault!

    +15 Vote -1 Vote +1

  25. Well-Beered Englishman says:

    But really, where will all the NotGraphs writers be writing? And where will the baseball humour go? NotGraphs provides a bizarre yet essential service.

    This is some shite news to return from holiday for. This and James Garner dying.

    +40 Vote -1 Vote +1

    • The Return of Rambo Diaz says:

      Seriously.

      Now I’m going to just go listen to “Where Have All the Flowers Gone?” on repeat for the rest of the day.

      Eff effin’ me.

      +7 Vote -1 Vote +1

  26. JRM says:

    Boo.

    This is a bad execution of NotGraphs, which is different than the occasional bad execution at NotGraphs.

    NotGraphs says, “Do not kill me, Carson,” with the same desperate pleading eyes of a puppy in the hands of, well, Carson Cistulli.

    Think of the puppies.

    +24 Vote -1 Vote +1

  27. Horse stuff says:

    I’d like it if someone would call me on the telephone to calm me down now please.

    +7 Vote -1 Vote +1

  28. Micah Stupak says:

    For as much shit as I give you, Cistulli, all your BS doesn’t detract from starting NotGraphs. If you posted 10x a day and all other contributors once a week, I’d still read it. That’s high praise indeed.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  29. urbanman says:

    It should be “webblog”, not “weblog”. This isn’t the World Wide We, Carson.

    -35 Vote -1 Vote +1

  30. Anal Hershiser says:

    This news is fucking bullshit.

    +54 Vote -1 Vote +1

  31. John Paschal says:

    People! Remember how, after canceling “Family Guy” in 2001, Fox resurrected the show when die-hard fans bought a bunch of the DVDs? Well, the same can happen here! What I’m saying is this: If you buy my “Family Guy” DVDs – I currently own seasons 1 through 6 – I will totally write for you!

    +51 Vote -1 Vote +1

    • wickedchic says:

      I could not exist without wisdom and humour from the infamous Azure Texan.

      Don’t abandon us in the campers or trailer parks to rot in our failed life journeys of baseball exploration through Paschalian fables in which we learn how to truly live!!

      Vote -1 Vote +1

  32. I needed all the help I could get to quit my obession with this NotGraphs website, so I'm really thankful about this decision. This will free up several hours of my day every day to start doing the things I really meant to do with my life, before I clicke says:

    Sincerely,

    Ralph

    +30 Vote -1 Vote +1

  33. Ralph says:

    oops

    +40 Vote -1 Vote +1

  34. Enkidu says:

    Objection!

    +7 Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Demi Moore says:

      I STRENUOUSLY object!

      +12 Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Iraqis for Faulkner says:

      We despairingly object!

      I give you the mausoleum of all hope and desire; it’s rather excruciating-ly apt that you will use it to gain the reducto absurdum of all human experience which can fit your individual needs no better than it fitted his or his father’s. I give it to you not that you may remember time, but that you might forget it now and then for a moment and not spend all your breath trying to conquer it. Because no battle is ever won Dick Allen said. They are not even fought. The field only reveals to man his own folly and despair, and victory is an illusion of philosophers and fools.

      Vote -1 Vote +1

  35. Nicholas Cage says:

    Can you at least archive the pages for us?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  36. Dracula says:

    This sucks.

    +54 Vote -1 Vote +1

  37. Craig Robinson says:

    I’m totally gonna phone it in from now until the end of the site.

    +14 Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Walrus says:

      I believe that you, Craig Robinson, will take over as curator when Well-Beered’s inquiry, above, comes back positive.

      Vote -1 Vote +1

      • Vinny GUNZ says:

        Does anybody besides me think that Craig Robinson and Well-Beered are the same person?

        I’ve thought this for years.

        And you guys are the only people I can share it with.

        Could really use a bat flip gif right about now to help me get through this.

        +5 Vote -1 Vote +1

  38. A eskpert says:

    This name’s mildly humorous value (very mild, in fact), will be for naught.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  39. Bitter Beane says:

    Notgraphs was an important part of my offseason. Now where will I go in January, in February? Of course, I come here during the season, but the logic of shutting down with the World Series makes me doubly unhappy.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  40. Clock says:

    Quick, everybody spam thenewenthusiast.com ! we can blackmail carson and bring back notgraphs!

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  41. Simon says:

    Would it be possible for NG to continue elsewhere? (Maybe it could replace the probably-less-trafficked and definitely-less-compelling New Enthusiast…)
    Also, what new ___Graphs will replace this one?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  42. A eskpert says:

    Also, I hope this is just trawling for comments.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  43. Yoanus Sexpedes says:

    butt……butt……………………………………………………………….. bat flips…………………………………………..

    +16 Vote -1 Vote +1

  44. Confederate Dance Troupe says:

    Does this have anything to do with Dayn Perry sleeping with colleagues’ housewives?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  45. Jeremy Giambi says:

    I purposely slow down when I’m driving so I can read these articles. Bummer man.

    +25 Vote -1 Vote +1

  46. Tony Pena, Jr. says:

    Get rid of Fangraphs, and this whole site will get fewer hits than me.

    +16 Vote -1 Vote +1

  47. agam22 says:

    I say this lovingly, but this post should be tagged under Carson Cistulli: F__k that guy

    +38 Vote -1 Vote +1

  48. Abe Vigoda says:

    I’m going to outlive Notgraphs.

    +24 Vote -1 Vote +1

  49. Psy Jung says:

    Our spirit is exhausted at the peak of our achievement. Our meridian is at once our darkening and the evening of our day.

    +8 Vote -1 Vote +1

  50. YABooble says:

    And you had to do this almost exactly one year after ESPN.com switched to using Facebook for comments, killing the Tim Tebow comment section that kept on going since 2011:

    http://espn.go.com/blog/afcwest/post/_/id/34680/time-for-elway-to-think-post-tebow

    +9 Vote -1 Vote +1

  51. dgrussel says:

    What the Francouer is going on around here.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  52. bdhudson says:

    ………

    :(

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  53. Brendan says:

    I’m still waiting for the “….NOT!!! Oh, we got you guys good! Get it? Not as in NotGraphs? As in we’re not going to stop NotGraphs?”

    Yeah. Still waiting.

    +5 Vote -1 Vote +1

  54. Shrewd Cat says:

    ESPN cancelled the Baseball Today Podcast (‘Ridiculous Question of the Day’) – that hurt. Now this. Baseball is losing its soul.

    Sure Notgraphs had a lot of misses. It wasn’t always funny. But when it was, it felt so good. Notgraphs is the definition of intangible. As I’m writing this I’m literally crying and listening to Journey- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gck6xRlbEGs

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  55. Louis C.K. says:

    Calm down, people. They probably just ran out of baseball-related humor, so it’s time to shut her down. No one can be funny forever.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  56. ljc says:

    Nothing clever to say. Just want to say this announcement makes me sad.

    +11 Vote -1 Vote +1

  57. Miles says:

    I’m hoping for a flurry of desperation posts during the 9th inning of this year’s series.

    +12 Vote -1 Vote +1

  58. Randy Marsh says:

    “… the site’s contributors might continue publishing without interruption until the last out of the last game of this year’s World Series…”

    The solution seems obvious. If the World Series never ends, neither will NotGraphs. Time to root for an infinite extra innings Game 7!

    +10 Vote -1 Vote +1

  59. MikeS says:

    Where will I find men surrounded by things? Who will insert Dick Allen’s name into works of literature?

    +6 Vote -1 Vote +1

  60. tony21 says:

    But…what’s going to happen to minimalist adrian beltre?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  61. Bluebird in Boulder says:

    Will I really have to turn to CBS’s “Eye on Baseball” – the home for all baseball fans – for my Dayn Perry fix? Something must be done!

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  62. Al says:

    If I send you $19.99 will you send me a notgraphs t-shirt?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  63. Darkstone42 says:

    This news is the worst.

    In the words of Stinky Peterson, “This really bites.”

    Something must be done. Something.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  64. Schwartz says:

    This is the worst thing since Dayn Perry.

    +10 Vote -1 Vote +1

  65. Mephistopheles says:

    “God Will Not Be Writing For NotGraphs
    by Jeremy Blachman – 7/21 – 10″

    I just met you, and this is crazy
    But here’s my number, call me maybe

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  66. Nicolas Sarkozy says:

    Why Carson why??

    +6 Vote -1 Vote +1

  67. Mr. Observant says:

    Huh – just floored me. I’m surprised to actually be upset at this news. For shame – we all lose a true niche treasure of the baseball internet. Any chance of a reconsideration?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  68. Cauld says:

    Notgraphs is probably the main reason I visit fangraphs these days. I hope this doesn’t also foreshadow the end of Dayn Perry Podcasts.

    +7 Vote -1 Vote +1

  69. Yuniesky Betancourt says:

    I hope this doesn’t have anything to do with me taking my talents to Japan.

    +38 Vote -1 Vote +1

  70. JEdward says:

    I’m genuinely saddened by this news.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  71. Paul G. says:

    That’s not funny. Ugh.

    Though baseball references to Michel de Montaigne are always appreciated. So there’s that.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  72. agam22 says:

    If the last post on this site isn’t Joe West ejecting Carson Cistulli, the experiment is a failure

    +20 Vote -1 Vote +1

  73. ReuschelCakes says:

    terrible.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  74. A-Rhad from Queens says:

    Screw you, Appleman. Screw you. Someone needs to surround David Appleman with apples and men – both of whom are really AND willing to screw him.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  75. JohnC says:

    As terrible as this is, if BeerGraphs takes its place it’ll ease the pain.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  76. Psyduck says:

    This sucks? Did you get a real job or something?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  77. Pirates Hurdles says:

    This truly does suck, as much as I read the analysis on the main page, I really have enjoyed NotGraphs for the many laughs over the years. It was a great compliment to the serious and sometimes combative tone of the main page.

    +7 Vote -1 Vote +1

  78. Kris says:

    KRIS ANGRY.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  79. Urban Shocker says:

    I saw this in my feed and didn’t realize this was truly a death sentence.
    Football truly has won.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  80. Mike Green says:

    Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Denial, Anger…

    Notgraphs readers accept nothing, including death, and our bargaining methods are a touch brutal. Banknotes leads; we follow.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  81. reillocity says:

    So if I can arrange to get this World Series cancelled, I presume that NotGraphs lives on?

    +28 Vote -1 Vote +1

  82. Illinois glass M. Michael Sheets says:

    We’re all going to die someday.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  83. Jenstrom says:

    Baseball fans with severe depression come here looking for help to endure, people such as myself. You’re messing with that, Carson. Very reckless and irresponsible.

    You’d best come across with some baseball humor on a regular basis on twitter instead. That goes for the rest of the contributors as well.

    +26 Vote -1 Vote +1

  84. Jenstrom says:

    At least there will continue to be FanGraphs Audio with Dayn Perry and occasionally Grant Brisbee, right?

    +12 Vote -1 Vote +1

  85. wickedchic says:

    #KeepNOTGRAPHS

    +29 Vote -1 Vote +1

  86. Clark D says:

    It’s because of Jeter, isn’t it?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  87. Harfenistin Hinweis auf die Bank says:

    Warum werden immer sie dieses wunderbare Website zu befreien? Und wer ist die dampfende Kacke, die beschlossen, dies zu tun?

    http://www.podcast.de/podcast/92280/archiv/

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  88. AJenkins says:

    NOOOOOOO!!!! I need bat flip coverage. Where will I go for bat flip coverage? And the best/worst swings of the week??? I need that in my life!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Seriously though, I’ve never commented on one of these stories in my years of reading NotGrpahs. I am now.

    +8 Vote -1 Vote +1

  89. Elisha Gray says:

    On a positive note, the wittiness of the comment section will live on.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  90. St. Strasburg says:

    I’m gonna take this fight to our nations capital.

    (I’ll need some help when we’re on a road trip)

    +16 Vote -1 Vote +1

  91. Ridge Detail says:

    Lunch time will never be the same without Notgraphs. I have really enjoyed reading this over the years. All out wackiness rifting from a beloved sport called baseball: what a great concept and the entertainment delivered was bar none!

    +8 Vote -1 Vote +1

  92. Ruki Motomiya says:

    #SaveNotGraphs

    +11 Vote -1 Vote +1

  93. Stan "The Boy" Taylor says:

    #KeepNotGraphs

    Just trying to keep the momentum going, in case it is possible to further prove the enthusiasm of this crowd.

    +9 Vote -1 Vote +1

  94. Suffering Succotash says:

    #KeepNotGraphs

    +8 Vote -1 Vote +1

  95. Eminor3rd says:

    =\

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  96. MLB Hall of Misery says:

    NotGraphs,

    You were not a hero. You were not a gentleman, certainly not a role model. You never voted or paid your taxes. You never went to Europe or read its poetry or pondered its art. You are a liar, a scoundrel, a bastard, and all your children are bastards.

    Oh how we loved you.

    R

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  97. eddiegaedel says:

    WTF

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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