Thought exercise: Why I would contract everybody

Contraction

Somewhat at random this morning, I remembered the time in 2000 and 2001 when Minnesota Twins owner Carl Pohlad tried to get Major League Baseball to contract his team. It was an exceptionally traumatic moment in my life, one that will likely only be topped by family deaths and the moment my wife finally wises up and divorces me. Of course, I would never contract my own favorite team, but I would gladly contract yours if it gave mine a better path to competitiveness. Here is roughly the order I would contract in:

1)      Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim – In part because they have been disloyal to first the state of California and then to the city of Anaheim, I want to punish them. But mostly it’s because I want to watch other teams scramble over Mike Trout and try to avoid getting stuck with Albert Pujols or Josh Hamilton.

2)      Miami Marlins – If a baseball team is contracted in the woods, and no one is paying attention, does it make a sound?

3)      Tampa Bay Rays – It’s unclear to me why Florida gets anything nice, let alone two baseball teams all to themselves that they largely ignore.

4)      Atlanta Braves – The Cobb County thing rubs me the wrong way, and an underratedly obnoxious fanbase.

5)      Washington Nationals – Should have been contracted back when they were in Montreal. This is just 10 years late.

6)      Cleveland Indians – What it will probably take to finally getting Chief Wahoo out of baseball.

7)      Oakland Athletics – What it will probably take to finally get the A’s out of Oakland and their sewage-flooded ballpark.

8)      Chicago White Sox – I just like it when bad things happen to the White Sox. The Twins could go 0-143 against everyone else, but if they went 10-9 vs. the White Sox I’d be happy.

9)      Toronto Blue Jays – U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

10)   Chicago Cubs – How would removing them from the league after 1945 have altered baseball history at all? Plus, now we can cut down the ivy and find all the outfielders who have subsisted in there over the last 100 years.

11)   Detroit Tigers – In retribution for destroying Tiger Stadium before I got to go there.

12)   New York Mets – Mets fans would presumably welcome the extra misery.

13)   Arizona Diamondbacks – Honestly, they should probably rank higher but I totally just forgot they were a baseball team until now.

14)   Texas Rangers – Natural byproduct of all the injuries. I mean, they can’t even field a team right now.

15)   Los Angeles Dodgers – You broke Brooklyn’s heart. And you destroyed a neighborhood. And your patron saint is Tommy Lasorda.

16)   New York Yankees – Getting rid of them is, literally, the only way the Twins will ever advance in the postseason.

17)   Seattle Mariners – Out of respect, should have retired with Jamie Moyer.

18)   Milwaukee Brewers – Getting rid of the baseball games just leaves more time for tailgaiting in the Miller Park parking lots.

19)   Colorado Rockies – Coors is not beer.

20)   Cincinnati Reds – I don’t really understand why anyone lives in Cincinnati. I’ve never been there and know nothing about it, but I feel comfortable passing judgment. I do like that the city was stealth-named after George Washington though.

21)   Philadelphia Phillies – Because those French fries last year were really bad, and because denying Phans an outlet for their rage might result in a city slowly turning on itself and losing its mind.

22)   St. Louis Cardinals – I didn’t want to take away the one thing The Best Fans In Baseball™ have to live for. This is the classiest contraction I’ve ever seen though.

23)   Kansas City Royals – You’re not even in Kansas. False advertising.

24)   San Francisco Giants – How could they let Barry Bonds roam around free like that? Also, I was always really angry that Marvin Benard’s last name was missing another R.

25)   Boston Red Sox – Since they suck this year, I forgot how annoying they can be.

26)   Pittsburgh Pirates – I kept you guys around as long as possible because I love that ballpark and because, after so many years in the wilderness, Yinzers deserve to enjoy decent baseball for as long as possible.

27)   Baltimore Orioles – Again, the ballpark kept them around. I needed to get more Boog’s before we got rid of this club.

28)   Houston Astros – I saved them this long out of respect for J.R. Richard, the baddest that there ever was.

29)   San Diego Padres – I still have to visit Petco, and baseball aside, everything about San Diego seems so damn pleasant.

30)   Minnesota Twins – The cheese stands alone, but they’d probably still find some way to blow it. I(will) blame Mauer.

This has been Mike makes everybody mad at him.




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Mike Bates used to have a stupid pseudonym. Now he doesn't because people want to pay him to write about baseball on the Internet and he's really a sell out that way. He is also a Designated Columnist at SBNation, co-founder of The Platoon Advantage, and is an American Carpetbagger on Getting Blanked, the finest in Canadian baseball-type sites. His favorite word is paradigm. Follow him on Twitter here: http://www.twitter.com/commnman


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Soup
Guest
Soup

I’m going to assume you aren’t married, Master Bates!

This list is dispicable! I’ll have you know that the name “the Los Angeles Angels” has existed long before los Doyers came to LA!

This post is a disgrace and your mother should be asshamed!

TK
Guest
TK

Yes, because hispanic people never called the Dodgers “los Doyers” until it was trademarked. You are a disgrace, your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries!

frivoflava29
Member
frivoflava29

I just wanted to say I liked this. I was wondering, in terms of sheer author satisfaction, which is the better indicator for NotGraphs post success — page views or post count? I wasn’t sure so I refreshed the page a hundred times and commented here (I actually hit “Post Comment” twice hoping I’d spur two identical comments).

Brian S
Member
Brian S

AS a former (proud) resident of Cincinnati, I can say your unsubstantiated bias against the city is quite common, and a little frustrating to encounter as often as I do.

IMW
Guest
IMW

I notice you didn’t say it was false.

Jenstrom
Guest
Jenstrom

My friend lives in Cincinnati, has for years now. She said that it is a churchy town but that the young people who attend their megachurches mainly do so to find sexual hook-ups. Some churches also have “Theology on Tap” nights at local bars where young church reps recruit attendees.

Craig Robinson
Guest
Craig Robinson

THUMPS KEYBOARD ABOUT A TEAM!

The Return of Rambo Diaz
Guest
The Return of Rambo Diaz

This reply made me laugh ridiculously hard. Very well done.

IMW
Guest
IMW

Marvin Brenard?
Marvin Benrard?
Marrvin Benard?
Mrarvin Benard?
Marvirn Benard?
Marvrin Benard?

Bryz
Guest

Marvin Bernard.

IMW
Guest
IMW

… Thanks.

david
Guest
david

san diego is basically tampa-west. the only differences are a nice, new stadium which they hardly fill, and swarms of giants fans instead of yankees fans. the city itself is great if you can ignore all the bros.

Urban Shocker
Guest
Urban Shocker

seems a little low for the Phillies. also, I would have liked to see a team contracted by being blown up by Martians, but I realize we are just addressing each team’s harm to the game, and thus, mankind.
otherwise, a splendid list, and I commend this fine work.

Bryz
Guest

Twins are last on the list? You’re such a homer, Common Man.

BigBucksBonilla
Guest
BigBucksBonilla

“Coors is not beer.”

PREACH

Zach
Guest
Zach

As a Rockies fan, I have no problem agreeing that Coors is not beer. The Old Chub and Dale’s Pale Ale that’s become ubiquitous on the Party Deck however, is divine.

Eminor3rd
Guest
Eminor3rd

Stupid Twinkies

Jason B
Guest
Jason B

Re: Cubs.

“How would removing them from the league after 1945 have altered baseball history at all?”

1) Harry Caray would have had to butcher the names of a whole ‘nother cast of characters, and would probably have downed two dozen Budweisers a day to help him forget about the Cubs’ constant failings, and

2) Steve Bartman would be just another guy.

Jenstrom
Guest
Jenstrom

You’re right, the Red Sox are annoying when they suck.

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