Three Epigrams Concerning Mariano Rivera

Baseball fans of all stripes were disappointed to hear Thursday of an injury to Mariano Rivera that will keep the closer out for the remainder of what was supposed to be the last season of his storied career.

In Rivera’s honor, NotGraphs presents…

Three Epigrams Concerning Mariano Rivera

Epigram No. 1

Legend has it that Mariano Rivera once performed an area bris using only his cut fastball.

Pardon me, did I say “legend”? I meant “the Daily News.”

***
Epigram No. 2

“I’m not responsible!”: that’s what Yuniesky Betancourt announced when asked what’d happened to Mariano Rivera in the Kauffman Stadium outfield.

Curiously, that same answer would also apply to another question — namely, “To whom should we attribute the Royals’ offensive improvements this season?”

***
Epigram No. 3

Mariano Rivera! It’s a testament to your civility that even opponents have expressed concern regarding your recent injury.

For a wretch like me, it’s the precise opposite: even those closest to me wish harm upon my person.




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Carson Cistulli occasionally publishes spirited ejaculations at The New Enthusiast.

4 Responses to “Three Epigrams Concerning Mariano Rivera”

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  1. Mario Mendoza of commenters says:

    Laugh if you want to, but the world WILL end now, and soon. In his spare time, Mariano used his cutter to keep the four horsemen at bay. All that is over now.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. hscer says:

    “Storied” is an anagram of “steroid.” This led to some confusion which, in turn, nearly killed me.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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