Three Images of “Astros Sadness”

The Astros of Houston — I approve of their new uniforms, the progressive bent of the front office and the early work done by GM Jeff Luhnow on the superfund site that he inherited. Still, there is no doubt that when we think of the Astros of Houston these days we think of sadness. Invoking the name of Astros is not unlike summoning the Curtis Mathis to life and seeing overhead news-copter shots of an evangelical stronghold — you know something awful and ridiculous is unfolding.

So it was with a not-insubstantial sense of dread that I entered the search terms “Astros” and “sadness” into Google Images. After first abandoning all hope, please walk with me …

First:

A horse is dying in the Astrodome

I am confused. I thought a horse was one of the three animals Texans would not kill, the other two being a happy dog not presently on the far corner of your property uninvited and a grandma still capable of making a tasty pie.

For reasons sufficient unto themselves, however, the Astros have decided to drown a horse in mud.

Second:

What a stupid day

Tents suggest unwelcome bonding time foisted upon wives and children, or perhaps one last stupid trip with old high-school buddies soon to enter hospice. It occurs to the man who pulls into his garage and sits in the car until the song is over that he resents his choices. So he takes his family camping. The lack of shade and the distinct possibility that Texas is the setting suggest a hot, shitty day. Although it seems unlikely, it’s also possible that this is an outdoor music festival, which is the worst human idea since organ meats.

I can’t imagine why the Astros are making us go to an outdoor music festival.

Third:

This movie is crappy

Ah, Bull Durham. This is the movie everyone says they like. However, if you watch the movie and pay special attention to things like the words and moving images, you’ll notice that it is a stupid, crappy movie. It might have zero funny parts to it, or fewer, depending on if you have to go to goddamn grocery store later. The mystery is not why it is an insipid film; the mystery is why no one will acknowledge that Bull Durham is as ass-dumb as Tango & Cash.

I don’t know why the Astros insist on watching Bull Durham on surround sound at their apartment yet again, especially when I don’t have a ride home and the Astros are out of weed.




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


12 Responses to “Three Images of “Astros Sadness””

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  1. Marco Lepe says:

    You just brought back way too many painful memories with that Neverending Story still.

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    • Chris says:

      I think that is actually a photo from a story about a girl who was riding in Texas who got stuck and waited next to the horse for hours until help arrived to save the horse, but amazing resemblance to Atreyu. As a life long Astro fan, I think that most informed baseball fans are more hopeful than sad. I was sad when I had to watch management slowly kill the team. Signings like Woody Williams, Jason Jennings, Carlos Lee, Kaz Matsui, too many to name, that was sad. The quick and merciful killing done by Ludlow has allowed for fresh growth, from inside our own system. We can only go up from here, and I actually have hope and excitement to watch these kids fight to the top within the team and against our competition. It could be worse, I could be a Cubs fan.

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      • Chris says:

        …not to forget signings like Bill Hall, Shawn “punch in the face” Chacon, and Mike Hampton. Signing worn out retreads, that was the sad time. The Stros are the worst in baseball by design, not an accident. There is no sentimentality here anymore, we left that behind when we played Bigio all the way to the glue factory so we could see 3,000 hits in an Astros uniform.

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  2. bowie says:

    Curtis Mathis references — that is what I come here for.

    p.s. bull durham is a funny movie.

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  3. Robert J. Baumann says:

    Dayn, thank you for, among other things, finally being the one to say that Bull Durham is a shitty movie.

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  4. maguro says:

    Dude. Tango & Cash was awesome.

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  5. Eminor3rd says:

    ARTAX! YOU MUST FIGHT THE SADNESS!

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  6. Rufus T. Firefly says:

    Amen on Bull Durham. So why do all baseball movies suck?

    Okay: ‘Moneyball’ was good. But it wasn’t great. (The book was great.)

    So why oh why is it so hard to make a good baseball movie? Partly, the problem is the suckitude of Kevin Costner and the fact he’s been in every one of them.

    Was ‘The Natural’ good? I can’t remember anything other than that Redford had a decent swing…..

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  7. The saddest thing of all appears to be that the Astros are out of weed and they haven’t even played any games yet.

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  8. Dayn Perry says:

    “i’m a contrarian asshole. My name was originally spelt Dan, but too many people had that name already so I changed it. Feel free to give me that red thumbs down because nothing feels better than validating your previously held beliefs and appearing like you came out on the winning side because you agree with the author”

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