The Astros of Houston — I approve of their new uniforms, the progressive bent of the front office and the early work done by GM Jeff Luhnow on the superfund site that he inherited. Still, there is no doubt that when we think of the Astros of Houston these days we think of sadness. Invoking the name of Astros is not unlike summoning the Curtis Mathis to life and seeing overhead news-copter shots of an evangelical stronghold — you know something awful and ridiculous is unfolding.
So it was with a not-insubstantial sense of dread that I entered the search terms “Astros” and “sadness” into Google Images. After first abandoning all hope, please walk with me …
I am confused. I thought a horse was one of the three animals Texans would not kill, the other two being a happy dog not presently on the far corner of your property uninvited and a grandma still capable of making a tasty pie.
For reasons sufficient unto themselves, however, the Astros have decided to drown a horse in mud.
Tents suggest unwelcome bonding time foisted upon wives and children, or perhaps one last stupid trip with old high-school buddies soon to enter hospice. It occurs to the man who pulls into his garage and sits in the car until the song is over that he resents his choices. So he takes his family camping. The lack of shade and the distinct possibility that Texas is the setting suggest a hot, shitty day. Although it seems unlikely, it’s also possible that this is an outdoor music festival, which is the worst human idea since organ meats.
I can’t imagine why the Astros are making us go to an outdoor music festival.
Ah, Bull Durham. This is the movie everyone says they like. However, if you watch the movie and pay special attention to things like the words and moving images, you’ll notice that it is a stupid, crappy movie. It might have zero funny parts to it, or fewer, depending on if you have to go to goddamn grocery store later. The mystery is not why it is an insipid film; the mystery is why no one will acknowledge that Bull Durham is as ass-dumb as Tango & Cash.
I don’t know why the Astros insist on watching Bull Durham on surround sound at their apartment yet again, especially when I don’t have a ride home and the Astros are out of weed.