Today in Baseball-Reference Random Pages

I need something baseball today. I’m jonesing, as addicts may say. I need to feel that sweet horse(hide) in my veins. I’ve called all my regular dealers. I’ve called my friends who have regular dealers. I’ve wandered the less-than-favorable parts of town (i.e., my neighborhood) in hopes of running into someone – anyone – who can feed my hunger.

At my wit’s end, I turned to the “random page” feature of Baseball-Reference.com. I got the results for a person named Tom Parsons, who played all of three seasons for the Pirates and Mets. Tom Parsons, by all accounts, was a bad pitcher. He had an ERA+ of 75. He had 2.8 K/BB ratio. In his final year, he gave up 17 home runs in 90 IP.

I deserve this. When I go looking for solace in the arms of a random stat page, I deserve to be let down. There is no love there. There is only coldness and filth. Making Internet baseball love to a total rando is not how to fill one’s void.

I turn to my old standbys. YouTube clips of Bo Jackson. Tom Seaver’s FG page. Nothing works. I am flaccid. I need a new flame. I need that feeling in my gut you get when you meet a Giancarlo Stanton home run for the first time. I need to be groped and fondled and invitingly abused by a new season.

Baseball isn’t here and life is awful. I’m going to go see if I can pirate the Caribbean Series. If that doesn’t work, I’ll have to track down my friend the Talking Junkie.




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David G. Temple is the Managing Editor of TechGraphs and a contributor to FanGraphs, NotGraphs and The Hardball Times. He hosts the award-eligible podcast Stealing Home. Dayn Perry once called him a "Bible Made of Lasers." Follow him on Twitter @davidgtemple.


2 Responses to “Today in Baseball-Reference Random Pages”

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  1. CurtisStarkeyfan4life says:

    Yer breakin’ ma heart, dude.

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  2. MikeS says:

    Why have I never looked up Tom Seaver before!?

    True story. In 1985, Seaver was sitting on 299 wins. I had tickets or his next start at Comiskey Park. There was a two day strike on August 6th and 7th. Guess when Seaver was supposed to pitch. They pushed him back so he could make his next start in New York. Which he won. Gosh darned east coast bias!

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