I need something baseball today. I’m jonesing, as addicts may say. I need to feel that sweet horse(hide) in my veins. I’ve called all my regular dealers. I’ve called my friends who have regular dealers. I’ve wandered the less-than-favorable parts of town (i.e., my neighborhood) in hopes of running into someone – anyone – who can feed my hunger.
At my wit’s end, I turned to the “random page” feature of Baseball-Reference.com. I got the results for a person named Tom Parsons, who played all of three seasons for the Pirates and Mets. Tom Parsons, by all accounts, was a bad pitcher. He had an ERA+ of 75. He had 2.8 K/BB ratio. In his final year, he gave up 17 home runs in 90 IP.
I deserve this. When I go looking for solace in the arms of a random stat page, I deserve to be let down. There is no love there. There is only coldness and filth. Making Internet baseball love to a total rando is not how to fill one’s void.
I turn to my old standbys. YouTube clips of Bo Jackson. Tom Seaver’s FG page. Nothing works. I am flaccid. I need a new flame. I need that feeling in my gut you get when you meet a Giancarlo Stanton home run for the first time. I need to be groped and fondled and invitingly abused by a new season.
Baseball isn’t here and life is awful. I’m going to go see if I can pirate the Caribbean Series. If that doesn’t work, I’ll have to track down my friend the Talking Junkie.