Today’s Probables: A Nearly Credible Soap Opera

Talented surgeon and nearly irrepressible lothario, Nicasio Beckett.

Frequently in this life, we do things for reasons that are mysterious. Like marry a woman despite her open contempt for us, for example. Or remain married to her, for example, despite her continued and unwaveringly open contempt for us.

This post represents such a mystery, as well. Whilst composing today’s diamond-encrusted edition of the Daily Notes, the author discovered that, by pairing the surname of a visiting pitcher with the surname of that same contest’s home pitcher, that the resulting name — in really almost every case — resembled those such as are frequently encountered within the confines of America’s most popular soap operas.

What follows, then, is the result of the author not only identifying that phenomenon, but also following through on it in such a way so as to make any reasonable person question the value of this life.

Names listed in order of today’s first-pitch times.

Gee LeBlanc
Of unclear, but decidedly nefarious, French-speaking origin. CEO of corrupt and profitable LeBlanc Pharmaceuticals. Irrepressible lothario.

Diamond Sanchez
Wealthy and brilliant Mexican heiress who suffers amnesia and becomes exotic dancer.

Gomez Burgos
Priest who is constantly tempted by Diamond Sanchez. Also, CIA secret agent.

Bailey Lynn
Amiable Southern belle who arrives in town after the earthquake. Loves Cashner Feldman with her heart, but Wilson Milone with her loins.

Wilson Milone
Owner of local fitness club and irrepressible lothario.

Bedard Phelps
Executive of LeBlanc Pharmaceuticals and childhood friend of LeBlanc himself.

Lee Bauer
Female geologist who’s asking too many questions about the earthquake, so far as Gee LeBlanc is concerned.

Buchholz Buehrle
Rancher, rugged individualist, and irrepressible lothario. Knows the truth, but doesn’t much care for it.

Zimmermann Maholm
Swiss competitor of LeBlanc’s.

Sale Tepesch
Belgian competitor of Maholm’s.

Cashner Feldman
Unassuming tax attorney at LeBlanc Pharmaceuticals. Highest bowling score in town. Frequent companion of Bailey Lynn. Suspected eunuch.

Hellickson Mendoza
Brazilian footballer who settled in town following retirement. Irrepressible lothario.

Lincecum “Lin” McCarthy
Nun with troubled and mysterious past. Also, Lutheran secret agent.

Chen Harang
Foreign exchange student, but actually secret daughter of LeBlanc.

Nicasio Beckett
Talented surgeon who saved, then plotted to murder, Leblanc. Lothario, but capable of being repressed.

It has come to the attention of the author that the creators of Twitter account Mashing Pitchers have identified a phenomenon not unlike the one explored here.

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Carson Cistulli occasionally publishes spirited ejaculations at The New Enthusiast.

8 Responses to “Today’s Probables: A Nearly Credible Soap Opera”

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  1. Dan Rozenson says:

    There is the world as a linear mind sees it, and then there is the world Carson Cistulli presents to us mortals.

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  2. Choo says:

    Quixote Herzog? Yes. More of these!

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  3. jake says:

    I’m gonna follow you on twitter now. You’re a funny guy.

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  4. I would be comfortable with this being a daily feature or even replacing NERD scores.

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  5. gnomez says:

    “Also, Lutheran secret agent.”

    Made my day.

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  6. KabaModern says:

    This needs to be a thing. A soap opera like this would be a good lead-in to Aqua Velva Men on the NotGraphs Network.

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    • Choo says:

      Dude, if there isn’t an Aqua Velva HOF, NotGraphs should be in charge of creating the first introductory class. Keith Hernandez and Wade Boggs could very well be the Ruth & Cobb of that group.

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  7. mockcarr says:

    Harang Chen, foreign-exchange student “surfer girl” with a difficult accent. Known to respond to town’s wealth of ignoble lothariates with an inscrutable, yet constant stream of pointed rebuffs.

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