Top New Friend Prospects (2013)

friend bears

This post is weird.

1. Fellow Writer I Met On the Internet

Age Gender Height Weight Eats Spd Dpth OTP HLP WARF
28 M 5′ 10″ 165 R 60 30 0.348 0.435 1.5

Fellow Writer I Met on the Internet is my top new friend prospect for 2013. Despite a low on-time percentage (OTP), he has a strong willingness to help with annoying errands (HLP) and easy-to-accommodate regular (R) eating habits. He scores very highly on e-mail response speed, averaging just under 60 minutes. Though he shows a low conversational depth score (30 on the 20-80 scale), the hope is that this will further develop as he grows more and more comfortable in the friendship. Putting it all together, he is a solid 1.5 Wins Above Replacement Friend (WARF), and looks to be a loyal and worthwhile addition to the 2013 lineup.

2. Husband of My Wife’s Co-worker

Age Gender Height Weight Eats Spd Dpth OTP HLP WARF
33 M 5′ 9″ 180 V 4d 70 0.825 0.095 1.2

Husband of My Wife’s Co-worker is my #2 friend prospect for 2013. With an exceedingly high OTP, he shows great promise as I enter the year seeking more people I can reliably do stuff with. However, his HLP is below replacement level (refuses to return a drive-to-the-airport favor), and his e-mail response speed is slow enough to be measured in days, and often inconsistent. Nevertheless, the exceptional depth of conversation he offers makes up for the vegan food restrictions, and he winds up coming in at a respectable 1.2 WARF.

3. Mother-In-Law

Age Gender Height Weight Eats Spd Dpth OTP HLP WARF
65 F 5′ 2″ N/A R N/A 65 1.000 1.000 1.1

Due to some off-season moves, leaving the potential-friend farm system fairly barren, my Mother-In-Law is my #3 potential friend prospect for 2013. Her flexible schedule and feelings of familial obligation make her score off-the-charts in both HLP and OTP, and her life experience and general inquisitiveness give her a very high conversational depth score. However, her lack of ability to use e-mail is a real handicap, thus bringing her WARF score down to 1.1. Unfortunately, she has probably passed the peak of her friendship potential at this point in her long career.




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

17 Responses to “Top New Friend Prospects (2013)”

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  1. Dan Rozenson says:

    Uh, can you characterize what a “win” above replacement is here?

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  2. Jake says:

    I enjoyed this thing a lot. I created the statistic JAR (Joy Above Replacement) in order to measure how much I like or dislike an activity. Reading this brought me a positive 4 JAR. Reading Notgraphs articles averages a 1.9 JAR (very good for a brief activity.) Comparatively going to restaurants averages 5.3 JAR and my POLISCI discussion just brought me an abysmal -2.2 JAR.

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  3. Jeremy Blachman says:

    Were other people seeing weird formatting on the tables? I think I fixed. So this comment is pointless, if in fact I fixed it. If I did not fix it, oops.

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  4. tz says:

    I need some good friends, and was wondering if you would be one.

    My big problem is my profile:

    Age Gender Height Weight Eats Spd Dpth OTP HLP WARF
    47 M 5′ 11″ NA V 4w 20 0.125 0.025 -2.2

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  5. Delmon Young says:

    My Application

    Age: 27
    Gender: M
    Height: 6’3″
    Weight: 240
    Eats: R
    Spd: 120
    Dpth: 55
    OTP: .650
    HLP: .380
    WARF: 1.4

    I play professional baseball. I know my application says 27, but I’m more like a 45 year old person in more ways than one. I don’t have much to do for next summer so I will always be available to hang out and stuff. Contact me at delmonyoungneedsafriend@gmail.com. I’ll send you my ideas of things we can do as friends.

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  6. Surine says:

    Should probably be Spd- for clarity.

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  7. KCDaveInLA says:

    I don’t know if I’d be a good prospect. While my conversation is deep, I go on unrelated tangents resulting in a high off-base percentage.

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  8. Wil says:

    I’d also be curious, what is the WARF value of “Random Stranger at Bus Stop”? Would they be replacement level?

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  9. I’m hoping to make a good impression in Spring Training and see if I can’t make the leaderboard.

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  10. Graeme says:

    What is the aging curve for WARF?

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    • Tim says:

      Well, you start off with a bit part on a team with some promise, develop quite a bit as it goes along, and hit your prime between your fifth and seventh year. Then you get traded to a team that was slightly better, but your performance tanks, you provoke drama with the existing stars, and you ruin it for everyone, but your contract is too big to pass off on anyone else so they have to keep you around. Finally you get a couple of chances with your original team at the end of your career, though nobody’s really sure what you’re doing there, and you’re not particularly effective but not an embarrassment either.

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  11. Lt. Worf says:

    Age:24
    Gender: M
    H: 1.98 m
    W: 124 kgs
    Eats: O,W (often, worms)
    Spd: 80
    Dpth: 20
    OTP: 1.000
    HLP: .229
    WARF: 1.3

    Will always eat with you, but may challenge you to a duel based on the way you hold your fork. Dpth score assumes you do not like to talk about military strategy.

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  12. tylersnotes says:

    until WARF adjusts for Facebook Inspirational Posts (FIP) it will never be a complete metric

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