Your Favorite Team’s Top 5 Prospects

Welcome back to that time of year when we pretend we can predict the future. All rankings subject to change.

1. Rodney Crandall, 2B
The Good: Crandall’s your typical Ryne-Sandberg-meets-Candice-Bergen second baseman, with a huge swing, big elbows, and the glove of a tiger. His ability to put three bats in his mouth at once is legendary. Despite no feet, last season he stole nearly every base.
The Bad: He’s a mass murderer, set for trial in December.
Perfect World Projection: He beats the charges, and comes back to bash his opponents’ heads in, setting him up for another murder trial and then a big debut in 2014.
Scout’s Incoherent Ramblings: “Crandall likes to eat yogurt, if you know what I mean.”

2. Jacob Loring, SP
The Good: Loring throws seven kinds of fastballs and four different sliders, making his games a real chore for the folks in the booth. He also has three glass eyes and is originally from space.
The Bad: He’s been dead for thirteen years.
Perfect World Projection: Biomedical technology takes a leap forward and Loring is back on the mound come spring. Ace potential, if he’s able to regain a pulse.
Scout’s Incoherent Ramblings: “I once saw him eat a coffee table and spit out the nails. Tough kid.”

3. Gordon Clyde, C
The Good: Good hands, tight mask, four teeth. Sprays line segments to every field, and isn’t afraid to touch the foul pole. Can see him as a Steve Carlton Fisk type, with a little bit of Catfish Hunter Pence in there.
The Bad: Mitochondrial disorder means he can’t grip a bat or throw a ball.
Perfect World Projection: Again, biomedical technology is the key. But once we overcome that hurdle, it’s smooth sailing to the big leagues.
Scout’s Incoherent Ramblings: “Reminds me of my wife. My second wife, I think. Or maybe that was my daughter. It all gets a little hazy sometimes.”

4. Sammy Hernandez, OF
The Good: Swims just like a ballplayer. Knows how to count backwards from 100, and can even do it with his eyes closed. Long swing, but short fingers, so it all balances out. Soft feet. Big ears.
The Bad: Utterly and completely incontinent.
Perfect World Projection: Another one relying on biomedical technology to secure a profitable future. But if he can stop dripping urine wherever he goes, he has the potential to be a difference-maker.
Scout’s Incoherent Ramblings: “Hate him. Don’t know why, maybe it’s because I never met him. But I can’t stand that kid.”

5. Greg Rossi, 3B
The Good: In a system loaded with lefties, his ambidextrous skill set is the perfect fit. He’s the tallest player in organized baseball, at 8-foot-4, and has the belly button to match.
The Bad: He’s bulimic.
Perfect World Projection: He’ll recover from his eating disorder to take his place at the Hot Corner. Hey, he might even become the next George Brett Lawrie Metcalf over there.
Scout’s Incoherent Ramblings: “I got so messed up last night at Foxwoods that I don’t even remember whether I’m a baseball scout or a guy who does color commentary for ballerina recitals on public access cable television.”

Best of the Rest:
6. Sanjay Gupta
7. Ruth Bader Ginsburg
8. Mr. Mister
9. Gary Sinise
10. Bryce Harper

Print This Post

Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

10 Responses to “Your Favorite Team’s Top 5 Prospects”

You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
  1. futurecfo says:

    Made my day. Hilarious!

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Yirmiyahu says:

    Made me laugh, especially:

    Can see him as a Steve Carlton Fisk type, with a little bit of Catfish Hunter Pence in there.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. Kyle says:

    I’ve seen Sammy Hernandez in the 400 freestyle and you just can’t teach that kind of grace in the water.

    Awesome stuff.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. Benjamin says:

    I have not laughed this hard at anything on the Inter Nets in a very long time.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. tbad says:

    Yeah, wow. Best NotGraphs (or anything for that matter) in a long time.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. camisadelgolf says:

    This piece sucked. I hope you don’t kill yourself soon because then it would be wrongfully immortalized.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  7. Mason says:

    I watch my favorite team at and I’m very satisfied.

    Vote -1 Vote +1