Transcript: A Baseball Writer and His Broker Discuss A-Rod


With regard to Carson Cistulli, a certain (and, for the moment, unnamed) Edward Jones representative knows two things — namely, that he (i.e. Carson Cistulli) is (a) not “cash rich” and also (b) a baseball writer of some kind.

With regard to the latter of those two points, the author presents here a lightly edited transcript of a recent phone conversation between himself and the aforementioned Edward Jones representative.

Author: Hello?

Broker: Carson, hi. It’s [name redacted] from Edward Jones.

Author: Oh, hello.

Broker: Hey. Am just calling to confirm that I received those documents you dropped off.

Author: Oh, excellent. Thanks.

Broker: We should have those funds rolled over into your Roth IRA for you pretty quickly here.

Author: Excellent news. Great.

Broker: Yep.

[Awkward pause.]

Author: Yep.

[Awkward pause.]

Broker: So, how about this whole A-Rod mess, huh? Can you write that he should be banned forever? [Laughs.]

Author: Well… I try to avoid those messy situations and remain more objective, probably.

Broker: I hear you.

[Awkward pause.]

Broker: So, you’d still like those funds invested in the ETF we discussed. When they’re ready, I mean?

Author: Yep. That’s still the plan. Whenever they’re ready.

Broker: Alright.

[Awkward pause.]

Author: Alright.

[Awkward pause.]

Broker: Ugh, that A-Rod. What a piece of work.

Author: He certainly has a penchant for seeking out bad publicity.

Broker: Ha! That’s one way of putting it.

[Awkward pause.]

Broker: And so, you still wanted to open the separate account for [author's wife]?

Author: Yep. Still looking good on that front, too.

Broker: Great, great.

[Awkward pause.]

Author: Welp.

[Awkward pause.]

Broker: So, what are you working on, then?

Author: About to write a post.

Broker: Oh, really? On…?

Author: I’ll likely mention this phone conversation.

Broker: Oh. In the absence of something more substantive, you mean?

Author: Yeah, most likely.

Broker: Because you’re a one-dimensional writer, you mean, who resorts to tired postmodern turns like this one in lieu of something more compelling?

Author: Well, I…

Broker: Which lack of range and actual talent is why you’ll never earn enough ever to support a family?

Author: Well, I wouldn’t…

Broker: And why your wife will probably leave you, you’ll never remarry, and anyone who attends your (likely imminent) funeral will only do so to point and laugh at your casket?

Author: I, uh…

[Very pregnant and awkward pause.]

Broker: So, how about A-Rod, huh?

[Considerable laughter. Spirited applause. Pulitzer prizes.]

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Carson Cistulli occasionally publishes spirited ejaculations at The New Enthusiast.

15 Responses to “Transcript: A Baseball Writer and His Broker Discuss A-Rod”

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  1. “and you’ll live in a VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!”

    +6 Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Well-Beered Englishman says:

    I use Vanguard. Targeted retirement index fund, no broker, money is automatically withdrawn from my checking every month to max out my Roth contributions.

    Sadly, John Clifton Bogle has not yet called to ask how I would rank him on the Financial Industry Cool Name Power Rankings. Which is high because I like saying “Bogle”. Bogle, Bogle, Bogle.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • rusty says:

      If you can get ahead a little bit on your savings, I think it’s beneficial to reach your annual limit with a larger lump-sum contribution on January 1 (or the first day of your tax year) — using monthly auto-contributions to make up the difference between that payment and 5500 (or whatever it will be in 2014). You get a few extra months’ return on the money, and, as we learned from Trading Places, everyone wants liquidity around the holidays so it’s a good time to buy.

      Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. rusty says:

    If the rollover is from a traditional IRA instrument to a Roth one, be careful of the one-time tax consequences! For a gentleman of your age, the Roth account is a sensible choice, but the initial transfer in of previously-tax-deferred funds can be unpleasant.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Unfortunately and/or fortunately, the rollover isn’t particularly large. I figured doing it now would be wiser than later, as the tax hit would be less now than in the future.

      But, yes, I’ve prepared myself for the extra fee for now.

      Vote -1 Vote +1

      • Simon says:

        The idea of discussing personal banking matters with a total stranger makes me a bit uncomfortable. Strange, huh? After all, why should I care? In fact, why should you care about that which I’m writing about? Why am I writing this at all? I could conclude this post elegantly, maybe, but this is a useless anonymous Internet post that I no longer care about..,…. PUIG

        Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. Resolution says:

    Who’s A-Rod?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. brazen reader says:

    Huh, i’d’ve assumed Fangraphs’ compensation package would’ve had you phased out of IRAs of all types. Maybe you should write about Arod, he’s got higher reader attraction than Kluber, oddly. But then you’d feel empty inside and dirty outside. This is a thing.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. KillahYeast says:

    “your (likely imminent) funeral” The “(likely imminent)” divergence continues to make me chortle.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  7. Mike Green says:

    Nothing about the Yankees’ contribution yesterday to BAT, c/o B. Selig Esq.? Shocking. The literary possibilities are endless. The discordant echo of the Winfield affair. Steinbrenner fils communing with the spirit of Steinbrenner pere to discuss his ethical concerns.

    If you want your Pulitzer, Cistulli, you’re going to have to work for it.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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