True Facts: Five Lesser-Known Endorsement Deals

Sad Harvey
Prescriptions for Paxil soared in response to Matt Harvey’s injury.

It’s no secret that major leaguers, like other high-profile athletes, supplement their sporting incomes by means of endorsement deals for various commercial products. Some such arrangements are well known, of course: Robinson Cano for Nike, for example, and Joe Mauer for Head & Shoulders.

Not all such endorsements are so visible, however. Below are fives examples of lesser-known deals that presently exist.

Alex Rodriguez for Monsanto
“What we really wanted,” says Dave Harding, a spokesman for the influential agricultural/biotech company, “is a spokesman who embodied the principles upon which our business is built: being super rich and without any discernible moral compass.”

Derek Jeter for Edible Arrangements
“I just want to do something special for all the ladies in the world,” is a line from an amusing Flight of the Conchords song — and also the message you’ll send with any of Derek Jeter’s special line of sexy fresh-fruit arrangements.

Eric Sogard for Faber and Faber
“I don’t actually read that much more or less than other American ballplayers,” announces Eric Sogard in a commercial broadcast widely in the UK, “but I am wearing these glasses — so buy some books, how about?”

Matt Harvey for GlaxoSmithKline
Harvey doesn’t specifically endorse the pharmaceutical giant; however, new studies show that watching footage of John Buck comfort the talented right-hander after the latter was informed that he’d require reconstructive elbow surgery — studies show that watching said footage will provoke such symptoms of depression as are treatable with Paxil, the SSRI manufactured by the company.

Mike Trout for Mike Trout’s Freelance Fertility Clinic
“Are you interested in producing spawn that is physically perfect and also has a super-rich father? Then come on down to Mike Trout’s Freelance Fertility Clinic, wherever Mike Trout’s sculpted physique happens to be located presently.”

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Carson Cistulli has just published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.

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Why would I want to have Mike Trout’s baby when Vernon Wells has made $108,878,500 and has plenty of free time to be a father thanks to not having a job!

John Elway

When being put out to stud, it is the QUALITY of the sire that matters most.

Just neighing.