Twenty New Terms for Curveball


Hans Urs von Balthasar: Not just a leading 20th century theologian anymore.

Each year, a number of new terms enter baseball’s colorful lexicon. Below are the twenty new words and phrases for curveball. To gain entry, each term has to have been used or overheard in a “legitimate” baseball situation — that is, either on a diamond, in a press box, or in one of Craig Counsell’s numerous and vivid erotic dreams.

Here are this year’s entries, arranged in alphabetical order:

Breathtaking Short Film
C Cup
Crotch Winder
Freudian Slip
Furious, Spinning Lap Dance
Gender Ender
Gravity Fucker
Hans Urs von Balthasar
Italian Push-up
Magnus Effect (Acid Trance Remix)
Ookie Cookie
O-Swingers’ Club President
Overly Grabby Priest
Pear-Shaped Still-Life Model
Slovak Cup-Check
Strikeout Gravy
Tantric Fastball
Teriyaki Ball
Tiny, and Probably Underage, Dancer
Turtle Girdle




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Carson Cistulli has just published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.


15 Responses to “Twenty New Terms for Curveball”

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  1. TartanElk says:

    I want sources. Journalistic integrity and all.

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  2. This is fantastic.

    Freudian Slip, Gravity Fucker and O-Swinger’s Club President get my vote.

    Can this be a series?

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  3. G. Oak says:

    I tend to call them Shakiras, by the way they break hips.

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  4. danny woytek says:

    slovak cup-check hits particularly close to home (ancestrally speaking)

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  5. kenshin kawakami says:

    Don Sutton’s “Double-Overhand Yellowhammer” is my favorite.

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  6. MikeS says:

    “Hans Urs von Balthasar”

    Hawk Harrelson must start using this term immediately. He can go to winter ball to practice it but I want him in midsaeson form by the time pitchers and cathers report and start breaking off Hans Urs von Balthasars

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    • steex says:

      Please do not suggest this to the Hawk. Someone might tell him about the internet, which he’d then use to look up the term, which might then lead him to this post, which would almost certainly result in his calling the curveball a “turtle girdle” for the rest of time.

      “Y’know Stone Pony, this Ver-lander is just nasty. He likes to work you over with the gas, and just when you think you’re about to get a cookie, he’ll pull the string on ya or cinch up the turtle girdle.”

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      • MikeS says:

        Even though you can’t see them, you can tell that Stone hates “Stone Pony.” The hatred is palpable. It comes right through the TV like a sweat soaked pillow smothering you. Someday, Hawk will say “Stone Pony” and the chatter will instantly be replaced by the sounds of a struggle, then a scream as one of them is hurled from the broadcast booth to land in the Scout Seats below, broken, amongst all the rich people who payed too much for their tickets and are wondering why the kid hasn’t brought their food to them yet.

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  7. Josh says:

    Isn’t that Karl Barth?

    They are both Swiss. And wear glasses.

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  8. Jason Parks says:

    I like to call curveballs the ol’ Jermajesty Jackson

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  9. Gritsy McGamerson says:

    I thought ‘cinching up the turtle girdle’ was actually a metaphor for the sort of romantic escapades favored by co-sanguinial couples or convicts? In either case Hawk would likely speak to these matters with unquestioned expertise…

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  10. Jim Lawrence says:

    Since it is agreed here that this picture is misidentified, maybe it should be changed, because it pops up prominently when an image search is done for von Balthasar.

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