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UETAMEJ Reflects On Crazy Carlos Zambrano

Double Secret Suspension! The worst of all suspensions!

Well, needless to say, Chicago’s northside has entered full-on circus mode — an annual tradition for the Cubs. Their one-time ace (though not a real ace by any non-Cubs standards) has essentially left the team after getting blown up by Chipper Jones and the Atlanta Braves.

The Cubs management, ever-eager to dump his contract, have done their darnedest to accommodate his brief flirtations with retirement while the Chicago media does its bestest efforts to paint the portrait of an irate, insane, ungrateful Venezuelan. Well, amidst this fine display of hatchetry, let us delve into the archives of a one Steve Rosenbloom, a lumberjack among woodpeckers, and enjoy a brief UETAMEJ of his piece entitled: “Can the Cubs out-stupid Zambrano?

What is UETAMEJ? Inventor Dayn Perry defines it as, “Using Ellipses Toward A More Evil Journalism,” and thief Bradley Woodrum pronounces you-da-mage, like a gangsta complimenting a wizard.

In the following article, Rosenbloom chastises Zambrano for flying to Guatemala to adopt his son, but the UETAMEJ helps tell the real story. Engage the ellipses!

Steve Rosenbloom … can make … Zambrano … seem to have a body of stupidity …

It’s a close battle, I’m … a bad … neutered … goof … as tone deaf as the Fanboy Owner … reaching new and difference [sic] levels of stupidity.

Zambrano … pantsed … the big goof … on an airplane. This spasm of lucidity could impact the Cubs’ chances reaching first place in the Frickin’ Idiot League.

Now get a load of this: Zambrano plans to … say “…Dopes all around, it looks like.[“] …

[To which] his manager … says, “Thank you, sir, … I … hasn’t seemed sharp mentally or physically … Stinking it up is certainly a way to guarantee a lifetime in a Cubs uniform.[“]

… [I]t has been … time … for stupidity at Wrigley …

Anyway, back to lesson [sic] here: … Zambrano … was … [t]he only reason … fans … didn’t .. like [the] Cubs … the best baseball organization …

[Now the] Cubs … [will] try to con everybody into thinking … this ought to be exciting …

Seriously, how can a man working for a proper newspaper have 2 very real typos in a column that’s less than 600 words? I have 1 typo between 3 posts of 1000 words, and commenters send me anthrax-laced envelopes!

Kudos to Carlos Zambrano for putting in ten years at the most backward baseball organization outside of Kansas City. I would’ve gone nuts in four.