The Anti-Semitic Urine Collector and other fables

Urine Sample

Ryan Braun starts off his new children’s book series with the charming tale of the Anti-Semitic Urine Collector.

‘Twas the night before Purim
And all through the land
Not a toilet was flushing
Not a plunger in hand

Because out on the sidewalk
In the midst of patrol
Was a weird anti-Semite
Who had but one goal

He was after the urine
The urine of Jews
To test it for steroids
And plaster the news

With a story of cheating
Deception and lies
To be found in the urine
Of circumcised guys

This was not his first village
He’d done this before
Seeking cup-fulls of urine
As he went door to door

“Are you Jewish?” he’d ask
“Yes I’m Jewish,” they’d say
Then please give me some urine
Put this cup in your spray

“No, I have no agenda
This is just what I do”
But he wouldn’t test urine
If you weren’t a Jew

And that is how one man
An innocent one
Got accused of behavior
That he’d never done

Wasn’t him, or his urine
Believe me, it’s true
Just an evil collector
Out framing a Jew.

Oh, what a heartwarming tale. And look for Braun’s next book, “Cubs Fans Hate Children.”

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

15 Responses to “The Anti-Semitic Urine Collector and other fables”

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  1. Benny Profane says:

    This sets the standard for future notgraphs posts. Round of applause.

    +30 Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Danny Knobgobbler says:

    Well done.

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  3. Pops says:

    Aren’t you afraid the urine collector is coming after you next?

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  4. Rich Mahogany says:

    Thanks for the warning
    Of this ill-tempered goy
    Who set out to ruin
    A nice Jewish boy.

    +9 Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. Ray says:

    Well done. This is a great effort.

    PS I’ve heard that on Passover if you rub the clean and the clear on your doorway the urine collector will bypass your home.

    +7 Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. Moises Alou says:

    Got to hand it to you, funny as hell!

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  7. funketown says:

    You sir, are a gentleman and a scholar.

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  8. Flag says:

    Ha, ha, and all that, but am I wrong or is every Biogenesis suspendee either a Jew, black, or Hispanic?

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    • Jarrod Saltalamacchia says:

      I believe Antonio Bastardo is half-white and half-chipmunk.

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    • TKDC says:

      They’re also all baseball players. And men.

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      • Flag says:

        Right. Interesting points. Braun is absurd and deserves to be ridiculed, but there is something oddly focused about this thing.

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        • Big Willie Style says:

          I totes agree there is something “oddly focused” here. Of course, I mentally replaced “oddly focused” with with “not surprising in the least”. All the suspensions resulted from an association with a *single* clinic in Miami (where they serve whites, blacks, Hispanics…you know…baseball players).

          Trying to extrapolate anything broad from this single data point would be akin to reviewing the evidence from Italian doctor who helped Team USPS and concluding that only white Americans cheat at cycling.

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