Vampires Have Baseball Cards Now

The fundamentally awful work of one Carson J. Cistulli sent me to Ebay to find a series of hats that were infinitely better than the five he presented you with. I was going to make a joke about not sending a shabbily-dressed man-child to do a respectable person’s job, but then I got distracted by the following:

Vampire Baseball Cards: Team Cullen

Team Cullen

So I set aside my snide remarks about Carson Cistulli’s vagrant-y appearance and smell and focused instead on this unholy, undead abomination.

We have talked before about how vampires straight up ruin baseball. They’re even more detrimental to the game than Cistulli himself with their poor form, superhuman powers, lack of respect for the fact that, hey, we’re playing a game here, and their FetLife wardorbes:

So to see them immortalized (heh, get it?) in the form of cards honoring their baseballing ways is a real kick in the ol’ Cistullis, as we say in my house.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Yes, but do these cards have statistics on the back like the beloved baseball cards I collected as a youth, before I became aware of how unfair life could be, where Carson is paid real money to write words about hats, and sparkly, emotionless vampires would earn a bajillion dollars from a stupid American public desperate to see sullen teenagers show off their abs?”

Yes, yes they do:

Cullen stats

I know it’s hard to read them. If you want to know more, you’ll have to bid more than $8.99 for the set, legitimizing their existence through your desire to pay money to possess them. Much in the same way that every time you click on one of Carson Cistulli’s “articles,” to see how truly awful one can truly be, you only encourage him to write all the more.

By the way, here are five caps that are still better than Cistulli’s, because I found them and I’m not going to let them go to waste, like a certain blogger from New England with unspecified facial hair and a holey t-shirt is doing with his life:

United Earths Oceans baseball cap from SeaQuest DSV

Seaquest Hat

$19.95

Serenity baseball cap from either Firefly or the subsequent Serenity film

Serenity Cap

$19.95

Mandalorian cap from Star Wars

Mandalorian cap

$19.95

FoxHound cap from Metal Gear

FoxHound hat

$19.95

Yes, the fox is holding a knife in its mouth.

Airwolf cap from the TV show Airwolf starring Jan-Michael Vincent

Airwolf cap

$19.95

And if you think this whole article has been a flimsy excuse for me to make jokes at Carson’s expense and to embed a video of Airwolf‘s opening credits, congratulations:




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Mike Bates used to have a stupid pseudonym. Now he doesn't because people want to pay him to write about baseball on the Internet and he's really a sell out that way. He is also a Designated Columnist at SBNation, co-founder of The Platoon Advantage, and is an American Carpetbagger on Getting Blanked, the finest in Canadian baseball-type sites. His favorite word is paradigm. Follow him on Twitter here: http://www.twitter.com/commnman


12 Responses to “Vampires Have Baseball Cards Now”

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  1. Ruben Amaro Jr. says:

    The Serenity cap is a nice match for all the Serenity undergarments I’ve been seeing in our locker room.

    +10 Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. harpago17 says:

    Fighting serious urges to go out and by the UEO or the FoxHound hat…

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. DD says:

    Um, don’t vampires not show up when you photograph them? I call bullshit on these cards.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • jruby says:

      They’re photorealistic paintings. In fact, the sheer volume of photorealistic paintings needed to make that “video” accounted for the employment of approximately 85% of third world children from 1999-2007.

      Vote -1 Vote +1

    • tz says:

      I think this whole post should get moved to FangRaphs.

      +10 Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. Keith Lockhart's Glove says:

    In my dreamworld, when I step to the plate at home, they play the music from the opening credits to Airwolf for me. In the real world, I’m happy to see I’m not the only one that’s happened to stop at the intersection between Airwolf and baseball, and then put something together.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. KJ says:

    If you zoom in, it looks as if the batters have stats for ERA. I guess anything goes in vampire baseball

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. Airwolf apologist says:

    Why doesn’t Airwolf get more play on NotGraphs? I demand more! It definitely tops the leaderboard for for intro sequence above replacement and has a healthy Borgnine+;

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  7. Chris K says:

    What is it with baseball and Airwolf? See important post from sbnation:

    http://www.southsidesox.com/2013/12/6/5181106/an-important-poll-regarding-ronald-belisario

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  8. Fightmaster says:

    Airwolf!

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  9. Fightmaster says:

    Airwolf!

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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