Verlander Unavailable During Off-Season

In a highly unorthodox move, Detroit Tigers manager Jim Leyland announced during a press conference yesterday that he was shutting down ace Justin Verlander for the entirety of the off-season.

“With an arm like that, you don’t want to take any chances,” Leyland said.  “So, yeah, he’s done  for the off-season.  I don’t want him pitching, playing catch, signing autographs, giving interviews, going to see Reel Steel, baking anything, going out in public.  Really, all we’re gonna let him do in the next couple of months is to brush his teeth – with his left hand of course – and some light pool workouts.”

Later, he added: “You’re absolutely going to see Justin again.  Just not until opening day.”

Approached after the anouncement Leyland, characteristicaly enigmatic, kept repeating these three phrases – ‘no-brainer’, ‘slam dunk’, and ‘whiffle ball’ – before rolling back to Tiger headquarters on his motorized scooter.

It appears the wheels are already in motion as Verlander could not be reached or  found for comment.

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7 Responses to “Verlander Unavailable During Off-Season”

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  1. Resolution says:

    This is a smart move by the Tigers – we all saw what happened to Greinke while horsing around during the offseason this past year.

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  2. TartanElk says:

    How’s he supposed to pleasure himself? His girlfriend, albeit very attractive, can’t do it all for him.

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    • Resolution says:

      Q: How’s he supposed to pleasure himself?

      A: Left-handed

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      • grady says:

        Pro-tip: pleasuring yourself with your left hand allows for uninhibited maneuvering of the mouse on your computer with your right, and makes it seem like someone’s giving you a reach-around or something since it’s a completely different feeling!

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      • TartanElk says:

        But if all he’s allowed to do is brush his teeth, this doesn’t solve the problem.

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  3. Kyle says:

    Jim Leyland, that old skamp.

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  4. Jim Leyland is arguably the smartest man of our time.

    Love that picture. Jimmy’s never going to let go.

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