VOTE: New Ideas for Useless Metrics

whisenant

Happy New Year! Am I late on that? I don’t care! It’s still January and I still accidentally write 2013 on everything I have to date, ladies included. With time continuing to degrade our bodies year-by-year, I think it’s high time we think about the important stuff again. Stuff like: what can I measure for no reason? Specifically, what useless, trivial, unimportant but highly distracting thing can I measure? Answer: Shit tons. You can measure anything! Except for the impact God is having on the men in your Bible study.

Last summer I created a measure called COOL meant to parody NERD. I prefer COOL to NERD because it makes me laugh harder. I also love myself the most. I once again have the itch to do some measuring. I could maybe satisfy this itch by delving into something meaningful–something illuminating that adds to our sabermetric body of knowledge. But I know, duh, that nothing is meaningful, really, and I’d be wasting my time thinking so. Instead, the closest I can find to meaningful activity is one that will make me laugh, hopefully others, too, if only because I laugh harder when others are laughing. So I must measure something meaningless, or at the very least, something that resembles something meaningful but disintegrates at even the slightest scrutiny. A la COOL.

I generated some ideas for metrics by first thinking of a word in my brain (Brodmann area 47/46, perhaps), any word, and then coming up with what that word might measure were it a metric. You will find these proto-metrics, these seeds of weeds, below. And below them you will have the opportunity to exercise the privilege of voting. I will delicately craft a perfectly destitute metric out of the highest vote-getter.

MOIST
Measures which teams and players sweat the most.

2COOL
A metric for hipsters. Measures which teams are considered cool by the wallowing masses and sabermetricians alike, giving them negative points. Then it determines which teams are the least cool to anyone; these teams are the MOST cool for hipsters, who must assert uniqueness at the cost quality, aesthetic appeal, and personal gain.

KNIGHT
Metric that attempts to identify which players would make excellent medieval knights (Carolingian, perhaps), crediting players for their potential  in skills like swordplay, jousting, archery, and chivalry.

BLIGHT
Attempts to determine which teams are destroying our planet the most. Factors might include: the carbon footprint created by a team’s travel, the eco-friendliness of a team’s ballpark, charitable donations to environmentally friendly organizations, etc. Might include +/- bonus points for individual players who perform environmentally friendly deeds or, who, I don’t know, bet on cock fights.

W3thRMN
W3thRMN measures major leaguers’ potential for becoming a broadcast meteorologist on your local FOX affiliate by identifying crucial characteristics of the profession (blandness, ability to articulate like a friendly automaton, hair coiffability, vacantness, etc.) and seeing which ballplayers fit the description.

xBEPHYRGROTHHx
Answers the question, “Which Major Leaguers would make a pleasing sacrifice to the Demon Lord xBEPHYRGROTHHx?” Players are credited for their potential to scream, writhe, and beg while chained to the Sacrificial Dais of OOberDROOOG, as well as for the volume, viscosity and arterial spurtability of the ballplayer’s blood.

 




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Zach is an egregious malcontent whose life goal is to literally become the London Tube. @itszachreynolds.


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Multiple Choice Waffler
Guest
Multiple Choice Waffler
2 years 5 months ago

I can only choose one? More useless metrics = more laughter.

Belgian Waffler
Guest
Belgian Waffler
2 years 5 months ago

Ik kan alleen kiezen voor een? Meer nutteloze metrics = meer gelach.

Steven
Guest
Steven
2 years 5 months ago

I got an idea for a useless metric:

W- A counting stat that tells you how many times a starting pitcher pitches at least 5 innings, his team scored more runs than he allowed while he was pitching, and his teammates maintain the lead for the duration of the game. OR a relief pitcher who comes into the game with his team tied or below who exists the game with his team ahead and his teammates maintain that lead for the duration of the game. OR a pitcher who replaces the starter before the end of the fifth inning whose team takes the lead before the end of the fifth inning and maintains the lead throughout the end of the game and the official scores likes him.

Resolution
Guest
Resolution
2 years 5 months ago

MOIST:

# of Rain Delays for [team] in [month]/# of women Derek Jeter has slept with in [month]

Punto Hustle
Guest
Punto Hustle
2 years 5 months ago

BLINK:

AVG BLINK RATE DURING AB

Platonic Hustle
Guest
Platonic Hustle
2 years 5 months ago

Definitely blink rate. It’s already been tested on Dave Cameron so we know it functions correctly. Also, it’s objectivity makes it a more scientific tool.

fly eli and tony plush
Guest
fly eli and tony plush
2 years 5 months ago

Ike Davis wins!

Dayan Viciedo
Guest
Dayan Viciedo
2 years 5 months ago

**BLINK BLINK BLINK** /googles Dave Cameron blink rate **BLINK BLINK BLINK**

rusty
Guest
rusty
2 years 5 months ago

The form says “Never submit passwords through Google Forms.”

… but my password is xBEPHYRGROTHHx — what do I do?

KnightsWhoSayNee
Guest
KnightsWhoSayNee
2 years 5 months ago

SLOMO:

Measures insufferable broadcast behavior brought on by the new replay system. Would have metrics like [amount of time spent speculating on whether or not to use a “coaches challenge”] per broadcaster per game, likelihood of [former player color commentator] to describe the impact the new system would have had during his “simpler” playing days, and number of shots of umpires making faces while deliberating per number of replay angles.

triple_r
Member
Member
2 years 5 months ago

It has absolutely nothing to do with baseball, but it would be awesome nonetheless. In that most holy of texts, The Onion Book of Known Knowledge, the formula for Adjusted Dictator Rating (ADR) was introduced. The entry is here; if you or another NotGrapher could look into this, I would be quite pleased.

pmreddick
Member
pmreddick
2 years 5 months ago

Next year I would like to see METRIC, which measures the usefulness of all other metrics and then awards the least useful one top prize, or at least some comparatively high numerical rating.

Chike
Member
Chike
2 years 5 months ago

Try to measure the Fun (of) Real Athletes (that) Nibble (on) Chicken Over (a) Number (of) At-Bats.

Chike
Member
Chike
2 years 5 months ago

I’d also like to see a measurement of Money Allocated (by) Ridiculously Inept N00b Executives (that) Really Suck.

Kris
Guest
Kris
2 years 5 months ago

(P/C)^T or PCT, an annotation of the popular formula (Perry/Cistulli)^Temple. Do not let the division fool you, this counting stat measures the instances during a ball game in which Perry Top, Cistulli Bottom, Temple observes from his lofty perch occurs. While the cubs are the leaders with 2.5 PCT (rain delay: game resumed, PCT did not,) most* instances of PCT are recorded during prison baseball matches. PCT often correlates very highly to two racial groups reaching an epiphany: Maybe baseball CAN bring us together.

*PCT has been banned from use in little league since 2011.

Sean C
Member
2 years 5 months ago

Can you imagine Kevin Youkilis’ peak MOIST seasons?

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