Table of Contents
Here’s the lineup for today’s (Not Quite) Daily Dotes:
1. Wade Boggs: Drunken Master
2. Bruce Chen Abandons Twitter Account, Comedians Anxious
3. Bartolo Colón Appears Sated, Nation Breathes Sigh of Relief
4. Rotowire: Brandon Inge In Danger of Making Opening Day Roster
Wade Boggs: Drunken Master
Wade Boggs, famous for eating an entire chicken before every regular season game, and for drinking something-less-than-64 beers on a cross-country flight, apparently also had a sense of humor of which Stephen Root might be proud.
Bruce Chen Abandons Twitter Account, Comedians Anxious
The above screenshot, taken last night, documents the most recent tweets by Royals’ starting pitcher Bruce Chen. As you can see, Chen has not tweeted since he gave up 5 runs in 1.2 innings to the Texas Rangers on March 5th. Perhaps the Royals urged him to give up the pipe dream of being the next Yakov Smirnoff and focus on pitching. Life sans jokes didn’t help Chen much, as he has surrendered 23 ER in 18 IP this spring, no joke.
An unexpected result of Chen’s absence from the Twitterverse is that the nation’s finest comedians have not come up new material in almost a month. Louis CK noted, “My career should be put on hold because Bruce Chen can’t balance Twitter with his day job? I mean, it wasn’t the jokes themselves that I relied on, obviously. It’s that his Twitter account was so infuriatingly corny that it fueled the hateful part of me, which I need for my routines . . . and for everyday life. Without bitter, bitter hatred, I cannot get past the part of my day when I masturbate to The View.”
Thanks to reader Samy Dangerfield for the tip.
Bartolo Colón Appears Sated, Nation Breathes Sigh of Relief
Much to the relief of residents of many cities, who do look quite appetizing, Bartolo Colón appears sated — for now.
Brandon Inge In Danger of Making Opening Day Roster
Infielder Brandon Inge is hitting just .184/.231/.306 this spring with no HR — and is in danger of making the Tigers’ opening day roster because of it.
“When you don’t produce,” Inge said, “they stick you on the Opening Day roster, maybe even pencil you in the lineup or at least tell you to be ready to pinch hit. I’m already on the 40-man [roster]. I don’t want it to get any worse, but I also don’t want to press. It is what it is. Hopefully I’ll hit a few HR here and get optioned to the minors or, better, put on waivers. I don’t really want to have to resort to inventing a meniscus tear.”
Inge’s teammate Prince Fielder, who has hit so much this spring that there’s little doubt he’ll be sent to the minors to open the season said that he has always feared making the opening day roster. “It’s frightening,” the slugger said. “You make that roster and it’s all down hill from there. I’ve always wanted to be called up in like June or July when the season starts to feel like it’s lagging. A call up can rejuvenate you.” Eating a leaf of lettuce pensively, Prince concluded, “Phew.”
Thanks to reader Aaron Eller for the tip.