Ways Chris Carter Is and Is Not Like Pedro Cerano


This is the title of an empty note I made last night. I’m not sure why I wrote it, or what prompted it. I’m guessing a combination of Scotch whiskey and jet lag contributed, but I can’t quite put my finger on why I actually took the time to write it down, and what I thought I’d get from it. However, as small of a gift as it may be, I will not look it’s presenting horse in the mouth. The following are differences and similarities between Astros first baseman/outfielder/DH Chris Carter, and fictional baseball player Pedro Cerano.

(EDIT: Fine Internet User @KevinBassStache alerted me to the picture, which comes via CSN’s Julia Morales.)

Situation #1: Hats for Bats


Cerano, in a classic “That Foreigner Doesn’t Understand How We Use That Thing In America!” fashion, mistakes Roger Dorn’s golf club head cover for a hat for bats. You know, to keep bats warm. We are delighted to see this ploy throughout the movie.


Chris Carter chooses to keep his bat warm with some flimsy gloves, which may help explain his .210 batting average since his bat is COLD! I will pause for your thunderous applause of gratitude.

Conclusion #1: Chris Carter is NOT like Pedro Cerano

Situation #2: Prodigious Power


That’s beautiful, man.


Check out the scoreboard now, grasshopper.

Conclusion #2: Chris Carter IS like Pedro Cerano

Situation #3: Voodoo


Pedro Cerano makes sacrifices of cigars, rum, and KFC to his idol Jobu, to help him hit the curve ball.


Chris Carter is obviously cursed.

Conclusion #3: Chris Carter is NOT like Pedro Cerano

Situation #4: Team Success

Via CoolStandings.com:


Conclusion #4: Chris Carter is NOT like Pedro Cerano

This is why I get paid the big bucks, you guys. To double-triple-check that an actual baseball player is not the same person as a fictional character portrayed by an actor who now does insurance commercials. Now we can all get back to focusing on A-Rod, just like everybody wants.

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David G. Temple is the Managing Editor of TechGraphs and a contributor to FanGraphs, NotGraphs and The Hardball Times. He hosts the award-eligible podcast Stealing Home. Dayn Perry once called him a "Bible Made of Lasers." Follow him on Twitter @davidgtemple.

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If Chris Carter converts to Buddhism, the comparisons are going to come, and Notgraphs readers are going to be the only ones that know that Carter is still more unlike Cerano than he is like Cerano.


Man… that’s why I love this site.


I don’t know, I think some of the conclusions above might be off a bit.

I mean, take #4 – David acts as if the Tribe in those movies were always good, showing he somehow missed the beginning of each installment. Cerano’s team was horrible in each before turning it around in the end, so there might still be time for the Astros. Plus, it is not really fair to compare Carter’s/Cerano’s team success sans having the important teammates around anyway! I mean, does Carter have a Wild Thing and Willie Mays Hayes on the club to help his team get out of the cellar as Cerano did?

#3 is also in jeopardy because of the sequel as well, where Cerano goes back to being Cerano1.0, unable to do much of anything right. In that one he was pretty much horrible the whole season, if I recall correctly, but comes through with the big hits on an occasion or two.

And I would even argue that #1 shows that Carter at least has the well-being of his bats in mind to even attempt to give his bats a hat. How is that unlike Cerano? He apparently just doesn’t know how to do it right… yet

…so yeah, I’m just not convinced that Cris Carter isn’t actually Pedro Cerano by this article. Maybe someone should go confront him about him not having marbles, or maybe toss an injured bird onto the field and see how he responds to test it a bit further.


I now understand why David gets paid the big bucks, but I also know it’s not because he (or any of the previous commenters) know how to spell “Cerrano”.


Things I learned today:

1) Chris Carter is AND is not Pedro Cerrano
2) President David Palmer is AND is not Pedro Cerrano
3) Chris Carter must simply use a bat hat to “heat up” his bat. Oh, and stop chasing the stuff that’s “juuuuuuuuust a bit outside.”

I’ll see myself out, thanks.