What Critics Are Saying About Wlad Balentien’s 55th Homer

After hitting his 54th of the season yesterday — a feat celebrated both by the present author and also Jeff Sullivan — former Cincinnati and Seattle outfielder Wladimir Balentien hit his 55th home run today for Japanese club Yakult, tying the Curaçao native with Sadaharu Oh (in 1964), Tuffy Rhodes (in 2001), and Alex Cabrera (2002) for the NPB’s single-season home-run record.

Here are some notable reviews of Balentien’s most recent and record-tying effort:

“Playing by its own rules every step of the way, Wladimir Balentien’s 55th home run is clearly the sort that needs to be hit more often.”

– Matt Brunson, Creative Loafing


“When you see Wladimir Balentien’s 55th home run, remember to concentrate hard, as paying attention to its small details turns out to be very rewarding.”

– Ian Waldron-Mantgani, UK Critic


“A ribald Kafkaesque romp, Wladimir Balentien’s 55th home run contemplates the nature of sexual identity and celebrity with a surrealist shtick.”

– Ed Gonzalez, Slant Magazine


“São poucas, as vezes em que podemos realmente dizer ‘Nunca vi algo assim!’. Home run 55 de Wladimir Balentien consegue se encaixar nesta rara descrição.”

– Pablo Villaca, Home run em Cena


“Defies all expectations… [T]ouches you in places you didn’t think a home run could reach. Wladimir Balentien’s 55th home run is everything at once, thoughts, feelings, urges… But it is not total confusion. It does make sense. A lot.”

– Kevin N. Laforest, Montreal Home Run Journal


“What it leaves behind is a dizzying sense of exhilaration, like being bathed in champagne.”

– Margaret A. McGurk, Cincinnati Enquirer

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Carson Cistulli has just published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.

8 Responses to “What Critics Are Saying About Wlad Balentien’s 55th Homer”

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  1. jcxy says:

    “A ribald Kafkaesque romp” should be on every Katherine Heigl movie poster from now until her retirement.

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  2. Mr. Observant says:

    ” And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh – and a dinger swatted by Wladimir Balentien.”

    – Friedrich Nietzsche, Bleacher Report

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  3. Rev. Abbott says:

    “If you gaze into Wladimir Balentien’s soul, his soul gazes also into you.”

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  4. Beyond Good and Evil says:


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  5. DoubleJ says:

    Baseball been wery wery good to me.

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  6. Mike Green says:

    The post-literate feminist critique of Balentien’s 55th homer, that it is a patriarchal act akin to rape, is beside the point. Watch it over and over again, as Sunshine of Your Love reverberates in your ears, and you will feel its power.

    Camille Paglia

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  7. Positive Thinker says:

    Wladimir Balentien’s name shows up in documents associated with Biogenesis.

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