What Has Johnny Bench Done?

He’s done something, that’s for sure. Peter Graves has seen a thing or two regarding a thing or two, so he’s not exactly surprised by what Johnny Bench has done. “I’m not exactly surprised by what you’ve done, Johnny Bench,” Peter Graves might be saying.

But what of young Lesley Ann Warren? Whatever Johnny Bench has done, it has complicated her feelings for him. “Heart-rending effrontery, thy name is Jack Bench,” she seems to be saying. “Henceforth, my boudoir door shall remain bolted.”

So I ask you, NotGraphs readers, what is it that Johnny Bench has done?

(A hat and the tipping of it: Jeff Polman)

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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.

17 Responses to “What Has Johnny Bench Done?”

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  1. Kyle says:

    Kinda looks like he may have shat himself. Probably the shellfish.

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  2. Mr. Observant says:

    It looks to me that the aforementioned gentleman has turned down an exchange of US dollars for some primo grade Cartegana blanco nose candy. This product, of course, is being sold by El Grande Narco, Sr. Jhonny Jesus De La Cruz Bench-o.

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  3. deadhead says:

    “Johnny just ate the most acid I’ve ever seen anyone take, in my life! He didn’t offer to share, either. And he doesn’t seem likely to share that nitrous ballon he’s holding in his right hand. Why is he staring at the San Diego a chicken like that? That’s the way he used to look at me, Lesley Ann Warren. I never should have let him go to the Furry convention in San Diego alone. He doesn’t even seem to care that my hand is busy unleashing Peter Graves’ peen. The nerve!”

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  4. Smooth says:

    His Bon Jovi ringer went off. Put it on vibrate, Johnny Bench.

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  5. “Down these mean streets a man must go who is not himself mean, who is neither tarnished nor afraid. He is the hero, he is everything. He must be a complete man and a common man and yet an unusual man. He must be, to use a rather weathered phrase, a man of honor, by instinct, by inevitability, without thought of it, and certainly without saying it. He must be the best man in his world and a good enough man for any world.”– Raymond Chandler

    Johnny Bench has a portrait of madison in his desk as a retainer from his client. He’s been clubbed with a blackjack, sugared off the trail, and punched in seedy saloons. Johnny bench has only done his job.

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  6. reillocity says:

    Invited Lesley Ann to inspect The Little General’s log?

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  7. oldschoolways says:

    Initiated a military coup in a small yet vital Central American republic.

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  8. olethros says:

    Overthrown Batista and ruined the Corleone family’s shot at legitimacy.

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  9. Mrs. Cistulli says:

    Mr. Bench donned his Manuel Noriega disguise and is enroute to pummeling the vagines of some underage whores. This will thereby get him arrested and placed in prison where his Noriega outfit will allow him to infiltrate the MS-13 gang and administer the long arm and hard cock of justice to the gangbangers!

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  10. Gary says:

    “I’ve seen you pitch, and I’ve seen you catch, and you, Johnny Bench, are no Miguel Olivo!”

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  11. Rich says:

    Johnny Benched at my son’s hairlip.

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  12. Wisesamwell says:

    Do another podcast Perry!

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  13. rob thomas says:

    I love everything that this guy writes.

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